


Touch of Magic

by plasticlizard022



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 1940s, Amnesia, Angst, Blood and Violence, Drugs, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Masturbation, Masturbation in Shower, Modern Era, Past Drug Use, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:46:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 36,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26244370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plasticlizard022/pseuds/plasticlizard022
Summary: The year is 1942 and you're just smitten with a young soldier. Will your relationship stand the test of time? How will he react when he's rescued from Hydra and finds that you're still alive - and not old?*Takes place in both the 40s and modern times*
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Comments: 10
Kudos: 94





	1. A Flame in Your Heart

'In my heart I have but one desire; and that one is you; no other will do.' The tinny jingle played through the jingle of the jukebox in the corner. You sucked up your chocolate milkshake down to the very last drop, saving the cherry for the end. After eating the sweet candied fruit, you placed the stem on your tongue before pulling it back out. “Impressive,” your date chuckled as you presented the knot. 

You nudged his leg under the table with your shiny, new shoes that had been purchased just to be worn on dates with a particular James Buchanan Barnes. “Do you the first time we met?” you asked him. 

He chuckled, “How could I forget? I ruined your favorite dress.” You had been sitting in this same booth a few years back on a date with a particularly boorish young man when a handsome gentleman bumped into your table causing your strawberry milkshake to fall over and spill on your lap. Your powder-blue skirt was completely stained. 

“Nothing a few washes didn’t take out,” you assured him. That dress had been his favorite, too, and not yours but that was something you didn’t correct him on. He seemed to have a preference for your dresses with the buttons that go all the way down. It’s why you chose to wear your green dress today - because of the buttons. 

“Somehow that was still better than our first date,” he laughed again, mostly to hide his embarrassment as he looked back to that day. You reached across the table and took his hand in yours to give it a reassuring squeeze. 

“I look back at that day with nothing but fondness,” you promised him. He had taken you down to the pier where there had been a cotton candy vendor. The two of you had even shared a sodapop. As he was walking you home, it began to rain. He let you use his jacket to try and protect yourself as much as possible but the downfall was relentless. So, he tried to take you through a shortcut he knew but that only resulted in you completely ruining your shoes and another dress because of the mud. The shortcut hadn’t even saved that much time. 

Bucky pulled your hands to his lips and kissed your fingers. “Come on, Sugar. Let’s get out of here.” There was something about him calling you ‘Sugar’ that caused you to completely swoon. If he didn’t have your hand to yank you from the booth, then your knees wouldn’t have found the strength to allow you to move. 

He pulled you into the street and you wrapped both of your arms around one of his. “I still can’t believe I have the pleasure of dating a sergeant,” you hummed happily. The fabric of his military jacket was itchy and rough but he looked oh so handsome in it. 

“I still can’t believe I have the pleasure of dating someone as. . . as iridescently beautiful as you,” he searched for the right word to bestow upon you. It caused you to blush and turn your face away. Iridescent. No one had ever called you that before. How long had he been holding onto a word such as that?

“Both strong and wise. I’m surprised I don’t have to fight off more girls chasing after you,” you teased. You really had hit the jackpot with Bucky. He had done exceedingly well in both sports and academics. There wasn’t a single complaint you had about him. . . well, except that he left for the military which meant you didn’t get to see him very often anymore. But it was noble and brave so you didn’t hold it against him. 

Bucky smiled down at you. “How often are you fighting off girls?” He didn’t feel like too many girls flirted with him. But then again, the two of you had been a pair for quite some time now and any time he was in town you were on his arm. 

“Often enough to keep me sharp,” you joked. Sometimes you would hear girls whispering and giggling about the handsome soldier so it was your duty to remind them that he was off the table. It’s not that you were an inherently jealous person, it’s just that you had never met a man like him before. You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself should you ever lose him.

Your hand moved down his and slipped into his hand where your fingers tangled with his. You swung your hands as he led you down the block. “How has training been? You mentioned something about. . . some sort of gun training?” you asked. 

The two of you had been sending letters ever since he joined the army. It was nearly unbearable to be apart but at least you were able to have some modicum of contact with him. “Yeah, sniper training. It went really well,” he beamed with pride. You yanked his arm down so his cheek was low enough for you to place a kiss without having to step on your tiptoes. 

“Well, that doesn’t surprise me. I can’t think of a single thing you’ve tried that you didn’t excel at,” you complimented. Every moment spent with him was spent in pure delight and joy and bliss. There was never a cross word spoken nor a tear shed (save for the day he left for the military). Being with him was what it meant to be happy and to be good. 

He scratched the back of his head bashfully. “I could say the same about you,” he returned. 

“I wouldn’t say that,” you chuckled modestly. There were certainly things you failed at. It wasn’t something you wanted to dwell on so you simply changed the subject. “Have you seen Steve yet?” 

Bucky shook his head. “I’m headed over to see him once I drop you off back home,” he informed you. Since you had met him at the airport, you had taken up all of his time. It wasn’t fair of you to hog him completely since he was only home for a few days. Still, you were saddened that you had to share him at all. 

“Well, no wonder you’re walking me home so quickly,” you joked, but when he didn’t laugh a knot formed in your stomach. That’s when you noticed the guilt distorting his face. “Oh James, it’s alright. Truly. We have all day tomorrow and then the expo in the evening. I can’t keep you all to myself.”

“You could come with me,” Bucky offered and significantly slowed his pace. “You know Steve doesn’t mind when you tag along.” Steve really was a good guy but that wasn’t the point. Bucky deserved to spend even a moment with his lifelong friend. The bond they had was truly special and it would be selfish for you to intrude on their time together. 

You brought him back up to a proper walking speed. “I told you it’s perfectly fine, Bucky. I wouldn’t lie to you. Just promise me you’ll pick me up first thing in the morning,” you grinned. Even though you hated losing a night with him, it would make tomorrow all the sweeter. 

His grip around your hand tightened. “Of course, Sugar. The moment the sun enters the sky,” he swore. You laughed happily and leaned your head against his shoulder. It was romantic but it was also likely the truth so you’d have to set your alarm clock once you arrived home. 

It was unfortunate how close your little apartment was to the diner. “I can take you around the block one more time,” he offered after you sighed wistfully. 

You only shook your head and turned to face him, taking both of his hands in yours. “It’s alright, Buck. Just come see me as soon as you can.” You stepped on your tiptoes and kissed him gently. It was far too quick for his lips to bewitch you as they usually did; there was something magical about his kisses, as if his lips had some sort of love elixir on them. 

He brushed his finger down your jawline. “I’ll think of you while I’m gone,” he smiled and started down the street as you moved into your building. You only laughed and shook your head even though he was all you’d think about while he was gone, too. 

After tossing your purse onto your kitchen counter, you fell backwards onto your bed that made a terrible creaking sound. The reason you never invited Bucky inside, even after all of these years, was because you were embarrassed of your living situation. It’s not like women were paid very well and you didn’t have any family to live with. Bucky would just worry. 

You kicked your shoes off and pulled a frame from your nightstand onto your lap. It was a drawing done by a vendor at Coney Island of both you and Bucky with comically large heads and smiles. Before he left again, you’d have to get a proper picture of him. You fell asleep with the frame pressed to your chest and guarded safely in both of your arms. 

There was a knock at the door. You used the light from a lamppost outside your window to illuminate the face of your alarm clock which read just after midnight. Who in heaven’s name was outside your door at this hour?! In the drawer of your nightstand, there hid a small, loaded gun. You pulled it out and snuck over to the door where you nervously peered through the peephole. 

“What are you doing here?” you whispered after throwing the door open. Bucky stood there with his jacket hooked around one finger and draped over his shoulder and his hat was crooked on his head. For one single moment you thought that he was drunk. 

“I couldn’t wait to be with you,” he confessed. With a reluctant sigh, you invited him inside. How could you not when he was being such a sweet sap? You quickly scooped up the shoes that you had kicked off by the door and tossed them in the closet. 

It was clear that you were frazzled and being woken from a deep sleep wasn’t helping your mental state. “Bucky, you should’ve told me you were coming and I would’ve cleaned up a little more. It’s not ready for guests,” you apologized. 

He took your arms and held you tightly in front of him. “I think you’re too deep in your head. The place looks fine,” he assured you. He kissed your temple as your eyes nervously tracked every undusted surface. “Besides, I’m just here for you. Nothing else matters.”

His sweetness was enough to pull you out of your head. “Are you going to spend the night?” you asked in a whisper and held onto his shirt as his hands moved from your arms to your hips. “You’ve never done that before.”

“Is that okay? I can go,” he whispered back. It wasn’t his intention to make you feel uncomfortable. His time here was just so short that the few hours spent sleeping would feel wasted if you weren’t in his arms the whole time. 

You grinned and stepped into his embrace. “No, it’s okay. I want you to stay.” He grabbed your chin to tilt it up into a kiss. There it was - that magic. It was like electricity shot through your entire body all the way to your toes and your fingertips. It was like the ground fell away and the only thing keeping you from falling was his touch. 

“I love you, Sugar,” he broke the kiss to whisper. 

“I love you, James.” He was only ever James when everything was exactly perfect. Right now, you couldn’t think of one thing that would make this moment any better. 

There were butterflies in your stomach as he pulled you to the bedroom. He laid his jacket and hat on the old rocking chair in the corner. He slipped out of his boots and moved over to you. “Do you normally sleep in your day-dress?” he asked. 

You blushed and shook your head. “I accidentally fell asleep in it,” you admitted bashfully. The fabric was all wrinkled from rolling around on your bed. It would need to be properly ironed after being washed. “Would you-” You used your finger to motion that he should turn around which he promptly did. 

You moved to your small dresser and slipped out of your dress. Bucky was a gentleman through and through. He had no intention of trying to turn and catch a peek of you in your underwear. But he did catch your reflection in the window which was enough to make him catch his breath. He had to think about naked grandmas and baseball to keep himself from growing excited. The last thing he wanted to do was make you uncomfortable or embarrass you. But my goodness! You looked quite fine in that pointed bra and satin drawers. 

After slipping into a nightgown, you tapped him on his shoulder to let him know he could turn around. He wrapped his arms around you and kissed you again. “(Y/N), once the war is over, I’m going to come back and marry you,” he whispered to you.

You pulled back and placed your hands on his chest. “James Buchanan Barnes, are you proposing to me while I am in a nightgown?” you gasped. 

He shook his head. “No, no, no! Oh, Sugar,” he laughed and took your hands so he could kiss them. “I’ll propose to you good and proper with a shiny diamond ring. I just want you to wait for me while I’m gone. Okay?” 

It was hard to tell if you were relieved or disappointed. Of course you wanted to be engaged to this man! But a proper engagement sounded very pleasant so it was probably for the best. “You’re the only man in the world for me, James. I’d wait a hundred years for you,” you promised. 

He kissed your hands again before moving onto your bed and under the sheets. The two of you had fallen asleep together twice before - once while you napped during a picnic on a sunny day and a second time when the two of you were snowed in during a particularly bad and frigid winter night a few years back. This felt different. Your heart pounded heavily as you moved under the sheets.

While the bed wasn’t very large, it was enough to accommodate two bodies. It would be more comfortable if you moved into his arms so that’s what you did. You scooted your back against his chest. It felt comfortable and normal, like this is where you belonged. He draped his arm gently over your body. You rested your hand over his and smiled. Somehow, he had made this already perfect night even more perfect.


	2. High Above the Moonlit Skies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You spend your last day with Bucky before he leaves to go overseas.

Thank goodness you had already gotten out of bed because otherwise Bucky would’ve completely rolled over top of you. He sat up and yawned as the smell of crackling bacon and peppered eggs filled his nose. You were already dressed, your hair curled and pinned up, and breakfast was nearly ready. 

He slipped into his boots and moved over to your rickety little table. “When I get back from the war, I’m going to buy you the biggest home in Brooklyn,” he stated. It was all he would say about the state of your little apartment. The last thing he wanted to do was embarrass you but he wanted to make sure you had everything you deserved. 

You sat a plate in front of him and took a seat on the opposite side of the table. “Well, if you get me a proper kitchen, I can cook you breakfast and supper every day,” you chuckled gently. The image of a picture perfect home with a lovely little kitchen, your husband coming home and giving you a kiss as you pull a pot roast from the oven. . . it gave you butterflies. 

Bucky scarfed down the breakfast as if he hadn’t eaten in days; you took it as a compliment since he seemed to enjoy it so much. He reached across the table and squeezed your hand. “Thanks, Sugar,” he smiled. “Come on. Let’s go for a walk.” You popped a hat on your head and followed him out the door. 

The two of you walked arm and arm until the sun was high enough to peer over the buildings. He stopped in front of a vendor and ordered two hot dogs, making sure that yours had extra mustard because that’s how you liked it. “You know, when you buy me a house I’ll make you just the cutest little packed lunches,” you promised him after eating the hot dog as delicately as possible to keep the mustard from spilling on your dress. 

He smiled and slipped an arm around your waist. “You’re going to spoil me rotten, you know that?” You only laughed in reply. After kissing your head, he added, “But I’ll still have to take you out often. A girl such as yourself deserves as many treats as one can afford.” 

“Is that so?” You looked up at him with nothing but love and admiration in your eyes. 

“Yeah, it’s so.” He held your chin and placed a kiss on your lips before leading you to the cinema. His intention was to sit in the back of the theater while a film played. It would be dark and private so he could have his hands and lips all over you. 

As the two of you approached the building, there was a ruckus down the alley. Bucky managed to get to the end of the alley in time to yank away some bully and kick his behind back out onto the street. There was something about Steve that attracted Bucky to him like a magnet; it was fortunate since Steve seemed to get into far too much trouble for being the size he was. 

“Sometimes I think you like getting punched,” Bucky stated sarcastically and scooped up a slip of paper from the ground. You handed Steve a handkerchief from your purse that he could use to blot the blood from the corner of his mouth. 

“You know it’s illegal to lie on these,” Buck added. Steve had tried so many times to join the army. Now it seemed like he was posing as a resident from out of state, Jersey no less, in yet another failed attempt to get in.

“You get your orders?” Steve asked, changing the subject since this was just a variation of a conversation he had had more than once now.

Bucky smiled proudly and nodded. “One-oh-seventh. Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping out to England tomorrow.” He shook his head and wrapped a playful arm around Steve before leading the two of you back to the main road. “It’s our last night! We’ve got to get you cleaned up.”

“Where are we going?” Steve asked. 

“The future,” you smiled from the other side of Bucky. You had been looking forward to going to the Stark Expo for ages now! Howard Stark was a visionary; perhaps the brightest mind you had ever known! Well, if only you had the pleasure of knowing him! The expo was supposed to be that of science-fiction and yet it would be real! Science fact! It was all so exciting.

Even as you approached the expo, you could tell that it was just truly miraculous. Once you stepped inside, you certainly weren’t disappointed. There was a colorful red suit in a display, a large model of the earth cut open to expose its core, and so much more. 

“Buck, it’s starting! We’re going to miss it!” you exclaimed and yanked him into a gathering crowd. You managed to pull him to the front. He wore a smile nearly as big as yours as you gripped tightly onto his hand. Howard Stark came out and presented his new flying car! A flying car, could you even imagine?! Well, maybe not. It didn’t seem to be working perfectly but it really had floated there for a moment. You clapped excitedly.

“Can you believe it? It’s just quite insane how far we’ve come with technology. Who knows what kind of exciting inventions lay ahead of us,” you sighed sanguinely. 

“Steve, what do you say-” Bucky turned around to bring his friend into the conversation but he was nowhere to be found. The two of you shared a knowing look. There was only one place that he would’ve run off to. 

“Go ahead. I’ll get us some cotton candy,” you said as the two of you approached the military stand. Steve was standing inside so Bucky moved in after him. You got a bright pink treat and waited patiently. He came back out after a while and placed his hand on your back. 

“I’m gonna miss that little punk,” Bucky sighed. He must’ve said his goodbyes there then. It was just starting to hit you that this was it - your time with Buck was running very short. You only nodded in agreement because a bubble had formed in your throat; if it popped then you were certain you’d burst into tears. 

He led you out of the expo and began to walk you home. “Will you write to me?” you asked, your voice cracking. Damn that! So much for trying to swallow that sadness. He already had a lot on his plate so you didn’t want him to worry about you being upset, too. 

The two of you were nearly back to your apartment but he stopped and sat you down on a bench. He knelt before you and took your hands. “Every moment that I can get my hands on a pencil and paper, I’ll write to you. I swear it.” He kissed each of your knuckles before meeting your eyes which were now blurry with tears. 

“I don’t want you to go. Just stay. You can stay with me,” you whispered. Each breath you took hitched in your lungs as the tears fell down your cheeks. “Bucky, please don’t leave me alone again.” 

He moved onto the bench beside you and pulled you into his arms. You felt so safe and at home with his arms around you. How were you supposed to feel this way when he was gone? The war had already been waging on for years. . . who was to say it wouldn’t last years again? His knuckles gently rubbed up and down your back.

“(Y/N), look at me,” he told you gently and lifted your tear-soaked chin so that you’d meet his eyes. “You’re so strong. You’re going to be okay, I promise. And once the war is over, I’ll come home and marry you. We’ll be so happy. Just hang in there, okay?” Watching you cry absolutely broke his heart. 

You wiped at your tears and dug around in your purse for a compact to make sure that your makeup hadn’t completely smudged. It had. “Oh, I look like a complete and total disaster!” It caused you to burst into tears again.

Bucky chuckled and kissed your head. “Sugar, you’re still the most beautiful gal in all of Brooklyn,” he promised. 

“Just Brooklyn?” you cried into his shoulder. 

He shook his head because you normally weren’t this ridiculous. He did find it quite adorable, though. “In all of the world, past and present,” he corrected himself. 

You wiped your face again and sighed gently as a wave of calm washed over you. “I need to go home and wash my face,” you whispered. It was completely shameful to have burst into tears on the streets and in front of Bucky like this. Now all you wanted was to splash some cold water on your face and forget you ever cried in the first place. Buck nodded and walked you the rest of the way home. 

“Will you come in?” you asked as he dropped you off at the door.

“Of course.” He followed you inside and locked the door as you moved into the bathroom and cleaned yourself up. You let out one more shaky breath as the sobbing came to a full stop. You dabbed some powder on your nose, fixed your hair, and moved back out into your small living room. 

“Bucky, you promise you’ll marry me when you get back? You promise not to find some English girl that’s prettier than me while you’re gone?” you asked and took a seat beside him on your musty couch. 

He took your hands in his and squeezed them. “Where’s this coming from, (Y/N)? You know that all I want is to come home and marry you,” he said. You had never been so jealous and nervous before. Then again, he had never left to join a war before either. He got up and moved around your apartment before fiddling with the underside of one of your lamps. He pulled off a small brass circle and came back to your side. 

Bucky took your hand and slid the ring over your finger. “Until I get back and can properly propose, you can wear this as a promise ring. Okay? I’m just sorry I didn’t think to get you a prettier one,” he smiled meekly. 

You bit your lower lip as your eyes welled with tears again. It’s not like you were unaware that you were being a little dramatic but he didn’t seem to be judging you for your outbursts, instead he was humoring you. “I love it. I love you. I’m sorry. Thank you,” you rattled off and took his face in your hands so that you could kiss him good and proper. “It won’t come off until you get me a proper ring.”

He just laughed and pulled you closer. Perhaps you had been behaving a bit silly but he loved you silliness and all. If anything, he found it sweet. Not that he had any reservations about your loyalty, but it was always reassuring to know that you loved him so deeply. He only hoped that you understood just how much he loved you, too. 

“Will you stay the night again?” you asked him quietly. He nodded and kissed your temple. He would just have to leave first thing in the morning. It was just a blessing that you asked because he didn’t want to impose again but he wanted nothing more than to hold you one more moment. 

You sniffled and smiled as you admired your ring once more. After dabbing gently at your tears, you moved across the room and turned on the radio. If you fell asleep, you were afraid that you’d waste the last moments you had with him. Maybe the music would help keep you awake longer. 

Bucky nodded his head from side to side to the rhythm of the song. ‘Darn that dream I dream each night. You say you love me and hold me tight. But when I awake, you’re out of sight. Oh, darn that dream.’

He stood up and pulled you into his embrace. Your head rested against his chest and his cheek laid upon the top of your head. The two of you closed your eyes and rocked gently in the living room. Time froze for just a moment as you danced oh so slowly. With your eyes shut so tightly, it felt as if you were dancing in the sky, on the clouds, the sun the only witness to this intimate moment. 

Yet when you opened your eyes, you found your feet on the ground. ‘Darn that dream and bless it too. Without that dream, I never would have you. But it haunts me and it won’t come true. Oh, darn that dream.’ The words cut through you like glass shards and you couldn’t take it any longer. 

Just as you were about to change the station, the song came to an end and something more upbeat began to play. Bucky took your hand and yanked you in close once more. This time, he spun you around the room. No longer were you dancing on clouds, but you were floating amongst the stars. 

You could still remember the first time he took you dancing. The heels you wore had been absolutely adorable and yet they gave you terrible blisters on your heels. Yet, you danced through every song just to have a reason to be near him. 

The sun was threatening to rise soon and Bucky had a long trip ahead of him so he needed just a moment of rest. So you led him to bed and curled up close to him without bothering to change your clothes. There wasn’t a second you wanted to spend outside of his embrace. Never in your life had you been held so tightly. 

“I love you, Sugar,” he whispered as his eyes fluttered close. 

“I love you, James.” 

You fell asleep in the embrace of the only man you had ever truly loved. And when you woke in the morning, he was gone. Just like that. Goodbyes had always been so hard anyway. . . At the time it seemed better not to prolong your farewells. If only you had known that that would be the last time you saw him then you never would’ve let go of him.


	3. Stars Shining Bright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the future! 
> 
> Seeing Bucky for the first time since the 40s is a lot harder than you imagined it would be.

You dropped your mug. It just slipped from your hand. Time slowed to nearly a halt. The sound of your heartbeat flooded your ears and everything blurred from your vision but one thing. James Buchanan Barnes. It wasn’t that you didn’t know he was alive (in fact, you had known for some time now that he was the Winter Soldier) but it was more that you hadn’t been expecting to see him. You’d even been fortunate enough not to cross paths with him while he was under Hydra’s control - something you were thankful for because it would’ve broken you. 

The sound of the ceramic shattering against the floor shocked you back to reality. Steve offered an apologetic look. He would’ve warned you but he thought that just bringing Bucky in would be better. You would’ve appreciated a heads up. 

Bucky stared at you as if he was seeing a ghost. He had only learned that you were still alive during his trip to the Avengers Tower, less than an hour ago. It was something he didn’t believe until now. In fact, he still wasn’t sure he believed it. Surely you were an apparition. Even though your clothes and hair had changed, you still remained the same. How could you be the same after nearly eighty years? 

You hardly looked at him any differently. He was a ghost to you as well, though a different kind. He was more like a shadow. Everything about him was so close to being the same and yet it was ever so slightly off. The facial hair and long hair definitely threw you for a loop but it was more than that. The look in his eyes was different - it was sad and dark and no longer sparkled when he looked at you. He looked stronger than he ever had before so why did it feel like he was so small. You didn’t even begin to think about his metal arm that was hidden beneath a jacket sleeve and glove. 

“Hi,” you managed. It was all that you were able to muster. Your bottom lip began to tremble, completely overwhelmed with emotions that you couldn’t identify, and so you bit it until it bled. 

“Hi,” he said back. It seemed to be all he was able to say as well. After all of these years, this wasn’t how you imagined this moment to go. It was frigid and uncomfortable and foreign. It was like meeting a stranger only worse. 

Steve clapped Bucky on the shoulder. “I’m going to show Buck to his room and let him get settled. I can help you clean up the glass once I get back,” he said and walked his friend across the room and out another door. 

It wasn’t until they left that you felt as if you could breathe again. You took notice of the coffee that had splashed everywhere, including all the way up your legs. There were mug pieces all over the tile so you had to be careful where you stepped. 

With shaky hands you began to pick up the larger pieces of ceramic. You must’ve been moving quite slowly since you had hardly cleaned anything before Steve came back to help you. “You could’ve told me he was coming. When did this. . . He’s not with Hydra anymore?” you asked in a whisper because that was the only way you could speak without bursting into tears, though it seemed like you were ready to cry any moment anyway. 

“I’m sorry, (Y/N). Everything happened so fast. I thought about calling you to give you a heads up but I thought you’d have a breakdown,” he apologized and mopped up the cold coffee.

You took a seat and wiped down your legs with some paper towels before hiding your face behind your hands. “What do you think is happening now?” you cried. Seeing Bucky for the first time since 1941 was so much harder than you ever imagined it would be. In fact, you had only been able to picture this moment for a year since that’s when you learned he was still alive. You should’ve known it would’ve gone like this but you had spent so many years mourning that the thought of him made you feel so happy and warm again. But that was the thing, it was just the thought of him that caused you to feel that way. The actual thing was far different. 

Steve came over and pulled up a seat beside you. He rested a hand on your knee and pulled your hands from your face. “Hey,” he hushed you calmly. “(Y/N), I wanted to be here for you when you found out. You’re allowed to cry.” He pulled you into his arms which had become your new safe place and your new home. Your face buried itself in the crook of his neck and you cried.

“He looks so broken, Steve. It hurt my heart to see him like that,” you choked out. He pulled you onto his lap and rubbed your back. 

“I know,” he sighed sadly. It hurt him to see Bucky like that, too. “It’s going to take a lot of work to make him better again. We can do it, though. It’s gotta be me and you, Doll. I fixed you up, didn’t I?” He offered a smile which was enough to make you smile, even if just for his sake. 

“Yeah, because I’m the epitome of mental stability,” you laughed because sometimes it was easier to joke about these things than take it seriously. You pulled the fabric of your shirt up to wipe your eyes. 

Steve shook his head. “You’ve made a lot of progress. Think about where you were when we found you,” he reminded you. It was true. You had been in a bad place all around when SHIELD scooped you up. 

You laughed again but only because you thought back to when you saw Steve for the first time. You didn’t know who was more surprised, you or him! Of course, you knew that he was Captain America and that he had been thawed from the ice but you hadn’t actually seen him all built and strong; the last time you saw him was at the Stark Expo when he was still small. And Steve. . . well, no one knew that you had been alive all of these years. 

“I don’t know if I’m ready to see him again,” you sighed, coming down from that momentary high that accompanies a good cry. Both of Steve’s hands rubbed your sides. The two of you had become very close over the years, your past connections making it all the easier. 

Steve helped you to your feet so he could finish cleaning the mess you had made. He even did you the favor of starting to brew a new, fresh cup for you. “It’s alright. He probably needs some time to settle anyway. We’re all going to be okay, right?”

You nodded and smiled. “Right.” After everything was cleaned and you had a new cup of coffee in hand, Steve walked you back to your room. You knew where to find him if you needed him but right now you just needed some time alone to process everything. So you curled up on your plush bed and flipped open a book with the hopes that the words would occupy your thoughts.

It was no surprise that your mind wandered. How could it not? All you could think about was the man four doors down and what he was doing behind those walls. A part of you felt this responsibility to go and check on him. You had to remind yourself that you had moved on ages ago when you learned of his [exaggerated] death. It had taken half a century for you to completely move on from loving that man and yet, seeing him again stirred up all of these old feelings. It left you more confused than anything. There was already so much on your plate; you couldn’t handle adding more onto that right now. Clearly he had been through the ringer and it wouldn’t be fair for either of you if you attempted to take some of that burden away from him. You simply couldn’t bear that weight. 

The coffee had done nothing but raise your heartrate. You were wide awake, sure, but the caffeine had no role in that. After glancing at the clock, you cursed yourself for making a cup of coffee so late. What were you thinking?! What you needed now was some rest so that you could prepare yourself for an inevitable interaction with Bucky tomorrow. So you turned out the light and curled up under your sheets. 

You tossed and turned but your mind wouldn’t drift away. Even after you turned on some music on your phone, you found that you were as awake as ever. ‘Stars fading, but I linger on, dear. Still craving your kiss. I’m longing to linger till dawn, dear; just saying this.’ The music filled the room with an air so thick that you couldn’t breathe. 

Leaving your phone behind, you slipped out of your room and knocked on your neighbor’s door. It opened slowly to reveal Steve’s chiseled body, covered only by a pair of gray sweatpants. “Another nightmare?” he asked and opened the door to let you in. 

You shook your head and moved to the edge of his bed. “I can’t sleep,” you confessed. You caught a glimpse of your reflection; there were large, dark circles under your eyes. It was clear you were exhausted even if your mind was racing. 

The mere thought of your next encounter with Bucky was enough to make you go insane. Maybe it would go swimmingly and you’d be reminded of what it felt like to be in love again. You were more afraid that it would be so shockingly uncomfortable that even your memories of what once was would be tainted. You wrung your hands nervously. 

“Your lip is bleeding,” Steve pointed out. His thumb brushed across your bottom lip, catching it just before pulling it away. You had a nasty habit of chewing on your lips when you were anxious. To say you were anxious right now would be an understatement; it was a miracle you hadn’t chomped your entire lip off completely. 

He laid down on his side of the bed and you moved under the sheets beside him. You stared up at the ceiling while he propped himself up on his elbow. “It’s going to be alright, (Y/N). No matter what happens, it’s going to be alright,” he promised you with such certainty it actually seemed to help. Even if it was faint, a wave - more like a faint brush - of relief passed over you. 

You turned your head to face him. “It just feels like I’m in a dream. Not. . . not the happy kind but not a nightmare either. The kind of dream where you wake up feeling confused but, by the end of the day, you’ve completely forgotten about it,” you tried explaining. 

Steve hushed you again and pulled you into his arms. You held his chin and sighed. “I’m just completely crazy, aren’t I?” you asked. Shouldn’t you just be thankful that the first man you ever loved was back? It felt like you always blew these sorts of things out of proportion.

“Not completely,” he chuckled and kissed you. Your arms snaked up around his neck as he pulled you over top of him. The two of you had been hooking up on and off for years now. Whenever either one of you needed some comfort (or needed to release some pent-up sexual energy), you knew where you could go - no strings attached. 

He pulled you out of your clothes and tossed them to the floor before inching out of his sweatpants. His hand moved between your legs where he used his middle and ring fingers to rub between your legs until you were wet enough that he wouldn’t need further lubrication to enter your body. He was rock hard by the time his fingers pulled away completely coated. You bit his lower lip gently as he pressed his tip just inside you. His hands moved up your sides. 

Then the door opened. You quickly rolled off of Steve and pulled a blanket up over your exposed chest. If being walked in on wasn’t bad enough, it was who walked in on you that made it worse.

“Just came to ask how to use the TV but I can see I’m interrupting something,” Bucky said blandly. You stared at him with wide, doe eyes as he moved back down the hall to his room where he would mess with the new technology by himself. You exchanged a look with Steve before he pushed himself out of bed and pulled on his pants without wasting time to put on underwear as well. His gait was a little funny as he worked on getting his excitement back down but he needed to clear the air with Bucky and clear it immediately. “Wait-” you called out before Steve could pass through the doorway. “It should come from me. Let it come from me. What the two of you have. . . It should just come from me.”

Steve and Bucky had this unexplainable, near-magical, absolutely magnetic bond. Their relationship clearly stood the test of time. Your relationship with Bucky. . . well, probably not so much. While you didn’t think you really needed to explain or justify your actions, you decided it would be better coming from you than from Steve so that their relationship didn’t suffer from a potential argument. 

So you reluctantly pulled on your clothes and moved down the hallway. Bucky’s door was shut but not locked. After knocking just twice, your stomach curled into an unremovable knot and you entered his room.


	4. Nobody For My Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bucky argue after he found out that you've been sleeping with Steve

Bucky was sitting on the edge of his bed punching aggressively at the buttons on the remote but he was having a hard time getting the TV to work properly. It made sense since he probably hadn’t watched any television from the 40s and technology had changed substantially in that time. 

He didn’t look your way when you entered the room but his eyes were still glazed over. You leaned back against the door that you shut behind you. “I feel like I need to explain some things to you,” you broke the silence. 

“You don’t owe me any explanation. You’re both consenting adults,” Bucky stated but his words were laced with malice. It was abundantly clear that seeing you on top of Steve had really upset him. 

You tucked your hair back behind your ears and rocked nervously on your feet. “You never were a good liar,” you forced a smile on your face in an attempt to disarm him even a little bit. He slammed the remote down on the bed and finally turned his attention to you.

“Look,” you inhaled sharply. “Steve and I started hooking up before we knew you were alive. We’re not even dating. It’s just. . . it can get so lonely if you try to get by on your own. When they pulled him from the ice, I was the only familiar face.”

“I told you that you don’t owe me an explanation,” Bucky snapped. The last thing he wanted to hear about was your relationship with his best friend. A heads up that the two of you were fucking might’ve been nice.

You mustered the strength to move further into the room. “I know but I was offering one regardless. It’s not fair for you to get upset about this since we haven’t been together in nearly eighty years.” You were getting defensive so your voice began to rise. “I’m still apologizing because you shouldn’t have found out like that.”

“Found out that you fucked my best friend before you fucked me?” Bucky nodded his head and pursed his lips as he still attempted to process everything. 

You laughed only because it felt like there was nothing left for you to do - it was either laugh or cry. “Pretty presumptuous to assume that I’d fuck you,” you frowned, the laughter fading away just as quickly as it had started. 

“No, you’re right. Stupid of me to assume that my fiancee wouldn’t sleep with my best friend. I get it,” he snapped right back. 

“You never fucking proposed! And then as far as I was concerned, you died overseas eighty years ago!” you yelled at him. This is not how you expected this conversation to go. Never before had you yelled at Bucky and he had never yelled at you either. You had a strong resolve but hearing his raised voice was enough to bring you to tears. At least your own anger was enough to keep them at bay for the time being. 

“But you’ve known for some time that I wasn’t dead,” Bucky added on. It was revealed that the Winter Soldier was him all along some time ago. 

“That doesn’t change that I had already mourned and moved on. Decades ago, too, might I add. Maybe if you hadn’t gone like I asked you to, then sure. . . I never would’ve fucked Steve,” you huffed. 

“I had to go. You know I had to go. And you know that I did everything I could to get back to you. I did good over there. We stopped Hydra,” he defended his own choices and actions now. 

You laughed once more. “Yeah, you did a great job of stopping Hydra,” you mentioned sarcastically and shook your head. Maybe that was a step too far so you tried to add on to that thought. “Bucky, if you know me then you know that if I had known you were alive that I would’ve waited a thousand years just to be with you. I didn’t know and so I had to move on.”

Bucky ran a hand down his face. He was fully aware that it wasn’t fair for him to hold this against you. But he had been lucid for far less time than you. The bond the two of you shared was still fresh for him whereas you had had decades to mourn and move on. Clearly he wasn’t handling it very well. 

You moved over to the bed and snatched up the remote. He had been able to turn the TV on but didn’t know how to change the input so you did that for him. You tossed the remote at his chest and stormed out of the room without another word. 

Halfway down the hall, you hear your name. “(Y/N)?” Bucky called down to you from his doorway. 

You crossed your arms over your chest and turned around to face him. Instead of asking him what you wanted, you only shrugged your shoulders. “I’m sorry. It’s just. . . this is hard for me,” he apologized genuinely.

“Well, it’s hard for me, too,” you frowned and hurried back to your room before he could suck you back in. It wasn’t fair for anyone to have to go through what the two of you were going through. Had everything gone according to plan, you’d probably be wrinkled and gray and happy in his arms currently. But the two of you looked fresh and young and you went to bed alone and sad. 

Your phone was still playing music when you got back to your room. This time you were careful to lock the door behind you. It wasn’t in you to handle any more visitors and deal with any more drama tonight. 

‘Now I’m a soldier, a lonely soldier away from home through no wish of my own. That’s why I’m lonely. I’m Mr. Lonely. I wish that I could go back home.’ The music bounced off of the walls as you moved under the sheets. The sound penetrated the pillow that you covered your head with.

‘Letters, never a letter. I get no letters in the mail. I’ve been forgotten. Yes, forgotten. Oh, how I wonder how is it I failed?’

You reached for your phone in the dark and fumbled to find the pause button. The music was enough to make you cry. Once you finally managed to mute the music, you chucked the phone across the room as if it were a bomb ready to detonate. You buried your head in your pillow and sobbed. 

As hard as it was to deal with on your end, it was your heart that was breaking for Bucky. At least you had had opportunity to mourn. You were dangled in front of him just to be yanked away. Sure you were alive and young but you had moved on. You were beginning to suspect that he hadn’t.


	5. Found My Future At Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bucky discuss where you stand in your relationship

You couldn’t sleep so you were in the kitchen making breakfast before everyone else woke up. It wasn’t unusual for you to be up early enough to make pancakes for the whole team. When your mind wouldn’t allow you to rest, you found yourself in the kitchen. Baking, you had learned, was a great way to keep yourself busy and distracted. Not to mention that everyone loved being able to benefit from your hobby.

Natasha slipped into the kitchen and poured herself a coffee, black with one sugar. “So, what kept you up this time?” she asked and took a seat at the island where she propped her feet up on the counter. You only shrugged and slipped a plate in front of her. 

“Syrup?” you asked after placing two pancakes on her plate. You placed a bottle next to her mug and went back to your skillet. Natasha didn’t push the subject any further. If you wanted to talk about it, you could. But if you didn’t, then she wasn’t going to force you to open up. Besides, she was perceptive and knew that you must’ve seen Bucky last night when he was brought in. She’d crack you open once you were ready. 

Tony slipped into the kitchen just long enough to take a few pancakes to go. Steve came in next and gave you a look that was both apologetic and embarrassed. So you chose not to look at him because you were trying hard to forget about last night. 

Sam strolled into the kitchen and clapped his hands together excitedly. “Don’t take this the wrong way, (Y/N), but you make the best sleepless night pancakes. What was it this time? Barnes?” He grabbed a plate and poured a liberal amount of syrup on his breakfast. 

You slammed your spatula down on the counter and rolled your head back. “Damnit, Sam,” both you and Natasha muttered. Sometimes you wished he would just come down and shove the damn flapjacks into his gullet before he had time to talk. 

“I’m just saying that I can rough the guy up for you if you need me to,” Sam offered through a mouthful of pancakes. His heart was always in the right place but sometimes his execution just needed a little bit of work. 

Just as you were about to respond with some sarcastic quip, Bucky walked into the kitchen. The two of you held eye contact for an uncomfortable amount of time. He was trying to decide if he should stay and you were trying to decide which choice he made would upset you the most. Apparently the silence that followed him into the kitchen was enough to make everyone else uncomfortable. You pleaded with your eyes for everyone to stay but they hustled out of there as quickly as they could manage which left you alone with Bucky. Out of all of the options, this was definitely the worst. 

He moved into Natasha’s now empty spot. “You always made great pancakes,” he stated quietly and scratched the back of his head. The air was so thick with discomfort that it felt like you were breathing in honey. It coated your throat and made your tongue feel heavy in your mouth. 

You slipped a pancake onto a plate and sat it in front of him. Since the rest of the team was likely to be asleep for the next couple of hours, you began to clean up the mess you had made. “I’m sorry, (Y/N),” Bucky sighed uncomfortably as you scrubbed at your skillet in the sink. There was a perfectly fine dishwasher but old habits die hard, as they say. “I had no right to get upset with you.” 

You turned to face him and leaned against the countertop behind you. “I’m sorry, too. That’s now how we planned on breaking the news to you,” you apologized. His reaction wasn’t completely unwarranted, all things considered. He poked at his pancake as you turned around to finish cleaning. 

Just as you finished and tossed a dish towel on the counter, Bucky caught you. “Can we talk? Please, I just need to know where we stand,” he asked you. You bit the inside of your lower lip and nodded. It would be for the best if you went forward knowing what your relationship with Bucky would be. This was the conversation you had been dreading but how could it be any worse than last night?

You moved to the opposite side of the island as him and placed your hands on the countertop. “Okay,” you agreed. “Where do we stand?”

He shook his head. “That’s what I’m asking you, Sugar,” he said. He was the one that had less of an idea of what was going on. You winced when he called you ‘Sugar’ since you hadn’t been called that in such a long time. He noticed the way you flinched and made a mental note not to do it again even though it put a pit in his stomach. 

“I know it’s not fair to you. None of this is fair, Buck,” you sighed and pinched the bridge of your nose. “But I spent years getting over you. I’ve moved on. I’ve been moved on since the sixties.” He was connecting dots in his head. Did it really take you almost twenty years to get over his supposed death? 

“So does that mean that all we had between us. . . what happens with that?” he asked. The two of you had dated for years and were one step away from being engaged. Surely those feelings didn’t just fully go away. 

You gave him a sad look and shook your head. “See, when you do that it isn’t fair for me. I will always treasure what we had but that was so long ago,” you sighed sadly. 

“It wasn’t for me though. I still love you. I’ll always love you, (Y/N),” Bucky confessed. That was what you were afraid of hearing only because you knew it would make you cry. 

You wiped at your eyes before the pooling tears could spill over. “It was for me. It was eighty years ago for me. It’s nothing more than clouded memories,” you whimpered as you forced yourself to remain as strong as you could. Eighty years was a long time to remember something so vividly. You remembered your first date and your last date. You remembered the first kiss that you had shared with him. Every other memory was shroud in a fog. 

He exhaled sharply. It was like being stabbed repeatedly between the ribs. Yet, sadly, he didn’t find that he was surprised. All of the points you made made perfect sense. So why didn’t they sit with him, then? “Do you still love me?” he asked. 

“You can’t ask me that,” you frowned, gaining more resolve again. “You can’t.” A part of you would always love a part of him. But to admit that you loved him? It was just something that you could not do. 

“Do you love Steve?” he asked. 

You laughed and wiped away a rogue tear. “Fuck, Bucky. Does it matter?” Your voice was rising and you were getting defensive once again. 

“If we’re going to figure out where we stand, then I think it does!” he exclaimed. He just needed to know if you had fallen in love with his best friend during his absence. That would really help him move on from you if that was the case. 

“You want to know where we stand? We’re strangers. I’ve got eighty years of growth and change. You’ve got this trauma that clearly needs unpacking and, on top of that, you’re someone I haven’t seen since I was young. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. That’s where we stand,” you state firmly. 

Bucky really didn’t know what to say to that. The moment of silence was your queue to leave. You hurried to the elevator and punched the ‘close door’ button before sliding onto the floor and burying your face in your hands. You wanted someone to hold you, for Steve to hold you. But now that Bucky was here, being with Steve did feel strange in a way that it hadn’t before. 

So you hit the button that would take you down to the gym. Natasha was there and going to town on a punching bag. “I’m getting my gloves,” you mentioned to her as you passed by. You pulled your t-shirt off and tossed it aside which was fine since you hardly wore anything other than a sports bra underneath. You pulled on your boxing gloves and rolled into the ring. 

You rolled your head around and pulled on your arms to stretch for just a moment as Nat joined you in the boxing ring. “You good?” she asked and got into stance. 

“I’m peachy.” 

“Yeah, I don’t think you’re doing so hot,” Natasha said and took a seat beside you after a relatively rough round. You were normally able to hold your own quite well but now you were holding a towel to your bloody nose. 

“What? This old thing?” you asked and motioned to your nose that would bruise and heal in just a couple days. “I’ve had far worse. You know this.” You looked at the bloody towel and concluded that your nose was no longer bleeding. 

“What did Barnes say?” she asked and you just gave her an annoyed look. It was damn near impossible to keep secrets in this little friend group you had. That came from being friends with geniuses and spies, you supposed; they were annoyingly perceptive and curious. 

You grabbed a water bottle and downed it to the last drop. Your body began to burn as it did when you hurt yourself and it needed to heal. You’d probably go through several gallons of water over the next couple of days just to manage the heat. “He wanted to know where we stood,” you shrugged.

“And?” 

“And I told him that we’re strangers. We are. He’s just. . . he’s an old ex that happened to pop back up in my life,” you said nonchalantly in an attempt to hide any sort of emotion. You had cried far too much over the last few days and you refused to get upset any more than you already had. “I’ve moved on.” 

“Have you? Come on, he isn’t just some random ex. I know he’s the only guy you’ve ever loved. You can’t seriously consider him a stranger,” Natasha said and tossed her boxing gloves aside. She grabbed a water for herself and tossed you a second one. 

You shrugged again and completely downed the second water. Sweat beaded on your forehead. “I’m not remotely the same person I was when we dated back during the war,” you assured her.

“What about him, though? Is he a stranger to you?” she asked. 

“I haven’t seen him since the war either. How am I supposed to remember someone from that long ago?” you asked and prayed that she had a serious answer for you.

She stepped forward and pulled on the chain around your neck. It pulled up enough to reveal what was hooked around the end of the chain - the lamp piece that you had worn as a ring for so long. “You tell me, Sweetheart. Tell me you don’t remember a thing about him.” She gave you a knowing look. Damn having a friend that you told secrets to. She knew that this wasn’t the only keepsake of his that you still had. 

You tucked the necklace back into your top. “Fuck.” You smacked your forehead with the palm of your hand. “I’m just really confused, Nat. I don’t know what to do.” You gave her a pleading look that screamed, ‘Tell me what to do!’

She patted your back and walked you out of the gym. “I think you already know but, since it seems you need me to tell you, then I would recommend not being strangers with him,” she suggested. In your heart, you knew that that was the best thing to do. If you spent even a day with him, maybe you would learn that you weren’t strangers after all. Or you would learn that you could grow to be friends again. 

“I hate when you’re right,” you sighed to which she just laughed proudly. She was always right. She hit two buttons and you got off at the first stop. She gave you a thumbs up as encouragement before moving down a few more floors. 

You moved down the hill and peeked into Bucky’s room. He was fiddling with his new smartphone, his eyebrows furrowed tightly. Music played far too loudly from a Bluetooth speaker which is what he was trying to remedy. 

‘Love walked right in and brought my sunniest day. One magic moment and my heart seemed to know. That love said “Hello” though not a word was spoken.’ You pulled the phone from his hand and turned the volume almost all of the way down. 

“So, someone showed you how to turn on the speaker but not use it,” you pointed out and smiled. The air was still heavy but you forced yourself to breathe. And when you exhaled it was as if all of the thickness began to disperse as if it were only there because you allowed it to be in the first place. 

He laughed bashfully and nodded. “Yeah. Thanks. Technology has changed so much. I know how to use all of the new cars and guns but not things like this,” he explained. The look on his face was clear. He had no clue what you were doing here but he was too afraid to ask lest he scare you away for a third time. 

You cleared your throat. “Listen. . . we’ve both changed a lot but maybe we haven’t changed completely. There’s no way to really know until we really give it a shot. So maybe we could get dinner or something later. . . just as, you know. . . friends, I guess.” You didn’t want to lead him on to think that this was a date. It wasn’t. You simply weren’t ready for that. But clearing the air without being hurtful and hostile would be good for both of you. The morning hadn’t gone very well so you’d do your best to make tonight better. 

“I would like that,” he grinned. “I’ll stop by room at seven?” 

You shook your head. “You can just meet me in the lounge area at seven. We’ll just order in pizza and beer,” you let him know. Completely casual. Nothing romantic. He just grinned and nodded. Regardless, he was excited and happy. To your surprise, you found that you were, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all are enjoying this! :) I don't know what it is about this particular fic but it is occupying all of my thoughts and even making it hard to sleep. I'm just excited with where it is/could be headed. So I really hope that y'all are excited too! :)


	6. How Much It May Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bucky have dinner together to further see where you are in your relationship

“Can you really believe we’ll be in the forties tomorrow?” you grinned as Bucky spun you around and pulled you back in close. “I think it’ll be our greatest decade yet. I can just feel it,” you smiled. The music picked up and the two of you jived happily and smoothly. Bucky was a fine dancer which, no doubt, came from his athleticism. You really loved dancing so you were thankful for his rhythm and flexibility. 

“I can feel it, too,” Bucky smiled. Even then he knew that you were the girl that he wanted to marry. He just wanted to make sure he had the money and the means to really properly care for you. Besides, the two of you were so happy now that he was just going to revel in the moment. 

“Why do I care if icicles form? I've got my love to keep me warm!” You sang along with the Billie Holiday song playing. “Miss Billie Holiday comes out with just the most wonderful music!” 

“Off with my overcoat, off with my gloves, I need no overcoat; I'm burning with love,” you continued to sing along. Bucky pulled you aside with a laugh. 

“Well, I think you’ll need your overcoat,” he grinned and pointed out the window. It had begun to snow. You gasped excitedly at the majestic beauty and kissed his cheek. “Will you be okay to go see the New Year’s Eve ball drop?” If there was snow, then it would surely be a frigid night. 

“I’ve got my love to keep me warm,” you teased him by naming the title of the song playing. The two of you smiled and kissed you gently. “Come on, James. Just a few more dances and then we can head downtown.” You pulled him back onto the dancefloor and placed your hands in his. 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

You ordered a pepperoni pizza, some garlic knots, and a six-pack of beer. By the time you brought everything into the lounge, Bucky was already waiting for you. To your relief, he hadn’t dressed up which meant that he did understand that this wasn’t a date. 

He sat down on one end of the couch and you sat cross legged on the other end. You cracked open a beer and downed it completely before opening a second. Bucky stared at you wide eyed; not only had he never seen you drink alcohol but he definitely never saw you chug it. You laughed and tried to sip on the second bottle. “It’s a long story but sometimes I just get really thirsty,” you mentioned. 

“Right. Steve mentioned something about that. He wouldn’t tell me much about how you’re still alive and so young but-”

You interrupted him, “Maybe let’s not unpack that tonight.” It was going to be hard not to chug the entire six-pack if you had to share your traumas with him so soon. He gave you an apologetic grin before putting two slices of pizza on a plate. 

“So what have you been up to these past eight years then?” he asked in an awkward attempt to break the ice. “Do you still go dancing?” 

You laughed and shook your head adamantly. “I haven’t danced since. . . God, since the seventies probably,” you chuckled. It wasn’t as fun to dance without a partner. Not only that but it was hard to find someone you had chemistry with and Bucky had set the bar so high for a potential partner. 

“Well, that’s a shame. You were quite a sight on the dancefloor,” he complimented. It was soft and genuine which didn’t make it awkward to receive. In fact, you even found yourself blushing. 

“You weren’t too bad yourself, Sergeant,” you quipped right back and bit into a garlic knot. This was nice. Even if it was just a little awkward, it wasn’t unbearably uncomfortable. Tonight would, you were sure, do wonders for your relationship. 

Bucky opened his own beer and sipped on it. There was no sense in him chugging it since he couldn’t get drunk off of it even if he tried. He pulled out his phone and effortlessly got to his music app and put on a song. Tony and Sam had helped him make a playlist of all the old music he remembered from before the war. 

“Come on,” he said after standing and offering his hand. “Just one dance.” 

‘The snow is snowing. The wind is blowing, but I can weather the storm.’ The song brought back a flood of happy memories. A bittersweet smile fell on your face. “I don’t even remember how to dance. It’s been so long,” you objected. But he took your hand and pulled you to your feet anyway. 

“It’ll come back to you,” he promised. Both of your hands slipped into his. He still wore a glove but you could feel his metal fingers under the leather. You were curious to see his arm but he was clearly self conscious about it so you wouldn’t push him until he was ready. 

He was right. It was muscle memory. He spun you around the room. Your barefeet kicked behind and between his legs to the beat of the song. Your bittersweet grew to be only sweet. And by the time the song ended and he pulled his hands away from you, you were left laughing happily. 

You plopped down on the couch and finished your second beer. “I haven’t done that in a really long time. Thank you,” you grinned and glanced his way. Your heart caught in your chest. For just a moment, when you looked at him, it was as if nothing had changed and you were nineteen again. Maybe Natasha was right and he wasn’t as much of a stranger as you claimed. 

“I know dancing has really changed,” Bucky sighed. You were thankful for that since your mind was wandering places where it wasn’t safe and his voice brought you back to reality. You laughed in agreement. 

“A lot has changed,” you added. 

“You’ve haven’t changed,” Bucky said and looked your way. 

You sighed. That is the exact opposite of what you had been telling everyone, including him, this whole time. “You don’t know that. We’ve hardly spoken since you’ve gotten here,” you frowned. You prided yourself on how much you had changed and grown over the years. 

Bucky shook his head. “It’s all still there, the pieces that made you. I think you’ve just forgotten how to have fun and that’s made you blind to yourself,” he stated astutely. 

His words cut you far deeper than you had prepared for. Even though you had attempted to build up a protective wall as soon as he opposed your original statement about change, you didn’t expect him to say. . . well, that. “I have plenty of fun, for your information,” you growled defensively. 

Buck’s eyes widened and he shook his head. “Shit. No. That’s not what I meant. You just used to be so carefree and lighthearted. Now you’ve got this weight on your shoulders - I don’t know what’s got you so troubled but - but you’ve lost your airiness. Everything that made you yourself is still there right at the surface.”

“Can we just. . . not do this, Buck? This was supposed to be a casual dinner and you keep bringing up my past and how I haven’t changed. I’ve changed. I’m not the lovesick child you remember. I’m bitter and angry and stronger than I ever was before. So can you just eat your damn pizza and stop trying to fix things?” you snapped and pulled your legs to your chest. 

He sat there in awkward silence for awhile. You were the one who said that the two of you should try and see if you really were strangers. He was just trying to show you that the history you two shared would make that impossible. Yet with every cutting word you spoke, he began to believe it could be true. Maybe you weren’t the girl he thought you were. 

What he wanted to ask was what had happened to make you this way. What had happened that broke you down like this? He had a sneaking suspicion that his supposed death played a role in that. Since he had already upset you twice tonight, he swallowed his curiosity for the time being. He’d try and get Steve to squeal about it later.

Instead, he asked, “How are we supposed to become more than strangers, (Y/N)?” It came out far more accusatory than he intended. He was really trying to get things back to how they were before. It was dawning on him that that was part of the issue. Things could never go back to the way they were and his constant need to make that happen was only making things more tense. 

“I don’t know,” you confessed honestly. “Maybe we don’t.”

He shook his head and scooted in even closer. “Don’t say that. We’ll find a way to make it work,” he assured you. He was close enough to see your lower lip trembling. You bit the inside of your cheek until the urge to cry passed. 

You grabbed a piece of pizza but your stomach was a caved-in cavern. Even a bite of food would be enough to make you sick so you just tossed the slice back into the box. You just nodded and held your arms. The part of you that would always love him would never allow you to just completely move on from him. “I think we’re just taking it too fast. Maybe we aren’t ready for one-on-one time. It’s still just a little too hard,” you whispered.

That was his fear. When was he to see you then? Just in passing in the halls or at dinner? But if that’s what you wished then he would respect that. “Okay. I’m sorry,” he said quietly and rose from the couch. “Thanks for the dance.” He smiled sadly before leaving you alone. Whenever he left, you felt just as alone as you had when you learned of his passing. It was like you were the only person left in the world. It was a loneliness that you hadn’t felt in a long time; it left you feeling hollow and utterly empty. You knew that you had made the right choice. Clearly you weren’t ready for any sort of true relationship with Bucky but then why was it still so hard? 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

“Four! Three! Two! One!” You cheered and clapped as the ball in Times Square reached the bottom of the pole to signify the start of the new year. Bucky pulled you in close and kissed you for the first time. His lips were so warm that it sent a wave of heat through your body that was capable of melting all of the snow off of your body. Your arms snaked around his neck as you kissed him back. Either it was the magic of the new year or it was just his natural charm, but that was the best kiss you had ever had. 

When you pulled back, you had the silliest grin that all of the erasers in the world couldn’t wipe away. “I love you, Sugar,” he confessed for the first time. Your heart swelled to a size that made it difficult to breathe. This was surely the best night of your entire life. 

“I love you, too, James,” you whispered and kissed him again. If it were possible, this second kiss was even better than the first. You were certain now that it was his own personal magnetism that made this smooch so perfect. “Goodness, I’ll love you for a hundred years and even then it wouldn’t be long enough.” He laughed happily. A hundred years! That was a long time to love someone.


	7. Not Just a Sudden Emotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You go to Steve for some much needed comfort only for him to pull out some hidden feelings and emotions that you didn't realize you were hiding. You attempt to shut him up by opening your legs.

You sat on the edge of Steve’s bed while he took a shower and played with the ends of your hair. A quiet melody floated out from underneath the door. ‘And this sensation was never a mere fascination. Here in my heart one sweet day it started, then with time improved my devotion to you.’ The doors were too thick for you to know for certain but you could’ve sworn he was humming along. 

He was only a little surprised to see you waiting for him when he stepped out. “How’d your dinner go with Bucky?” he asked. It was obvious that it mustn’t have gone well otherwise you wouldn’t be in his room this late. At least this time you were smart enough to lock the door behind you. 

Steve moved across the room with just a towel around his waist. A couple years ago and he would’ve been left feeling quite sheepish in your company but you’d seen him naked far too many times at this point for it to matter now. He dropped the towel and pulled on some boxer-briefs and pajama pants before sitting next to you. 

“I’m such a bitch,” you sighed sadly and leaned your head against his shoulder. “He still loves me and I just. . . I told him that I wasn’t even ready to be friends again. I tried Steve. I really tried.” 

Your bottom lip quivered and Steve turned your chin up towards him. He pursed his lips and sighed sadly. “It’s okay, (Y/N). He’s only been back for a day. You’ve waited eighty years, he can afford to wait a few weeks or months or however long you need,” he spoke, his voice calm and level. Steve had always been good at calming your nerves. 

You plopped backwards onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. “I wonder if things would be easier if we never hooked up,” you sighed. At this point, you were grasping for straws and trying to come up with as many excuses as possible as to why it wasn’t working with the two of you. 

Dinner had proved one thing - Bucky hadn’t changed as you had expected. Sure, there was this new sadness and guilt that he carried. But underneath all of that was the same man you had fallen in love with all of those years ago. He claimed that you hadn’t changed - much to your dismay and disagreement. But if the two of you were (more or less) the same, then why was it that you didn’t feel that same magnetic pull to him anymore? You knew it had to be something on your end. Subconsciously, you were afraid to find the real answer so you came up with any and every excuse. 

“He just doesn’t realize that I’ve changed. I’ve had eight decades to grow,” you added and slipped your hand into Steve’s as he laid back beside you. He gave you a reassuring squeeze as you rolled over and propped yourself up on your side to better talk to him. “You knew me back then. I’m different, right?” The look and silence Steve offered made you groan and bury your face in the mattress. “I seriously am a bitch.”

Steve rubbed your back and chuckled gently. “You’re not, (Y/N). You never have been. Sure, you’ve grown. I’ve seen how much you’ve grown. But you’re the same in here,” he said and poked gently at your chest. You groaned again. 

“You’re a sap, you know that,” you chuckled and inched in closer so that your bodies were pressed together. You drew circles on his chest as he played with the ends of your hair. “Steve, if we’re not strangers, then why do I feel this distance between us?” you asked. 

The answer was surely going to be something you didn’t like but if anyone had any insight on your relationship with Bucky it would be the man who had been there from the start. “Well, I can’t tell you why you feel the way you feel,” he stated. And he wasn’t in the business to tell you how you should feel. But he would point out what you were hiding. “I think there’s less of a distance than you think, though.” He pulled at the chain around your neck and fiddled with the ring on the end of it. 

You snatched it out of his hand and held it tightly in your palm. “That’s. . . it’s neither here nor there. I’m nostalgic for this. It’s one of the few things I still have from that time,” you explained. You pulled the chain from around your neck so that you could properly look at the ring. It was completely dingy from being so old and having been worn for such a long time on your finger. 

“So you’re telling me that you don’t wear it because you still love Bucky?” Steve asked. He could see right through you as if you were a pane of glass. 

Yet you found yourself continuing the lie, though at this point it was hard to tell if the lie was more for you or for him. “I’ll always love him in a way but I’m not in love with him. I don’t want to be in love again,” your voice grew quieter with each word. 

Steve tucked your hair behind your ear and pulled you down into a kiss. “You don’t mean that,” he whispered and rolled on top of you. He didn’t take it personally. The two of you had made it perfectly clear that, as much as he loved you and you loved him, that the two of you weren’t in love. “Everyone deserves to be in love.”

“I was already in love once,” you reminded him. “And I handled that very poorly.” 

Steve shook his head. “No, you handled his death poorly. Not being in love,” he corrected you and you rolled your eyes. 

“Are you going to fuck me or are you just going to get me all worked up so I cry?” you frowned and wrapped your arms around his neck.

“You really want that even with Bucky down the hall?” he asked. It would be weird, especially after being burst in on last night. 

“Screw him. I told you I’m not in love with him anymore. I locked the door so just fuck me.” You inched out of your clothes as his lips explored your skin. 

“You’re going to have to face your feelings eventually,” Steve whispered into your skin but didn’t push the subject further because your fingers wrapped around his limp cock. “You’re on fire,” he whispered. Now that the two of you were skin to skin, he could feel the heat your body was putting off. 

“Nat and I were boxing. She broke my nose. I’ll be fine,” you assured him. Your body grew very hot when you healed but since it was just a broken nose, at least you weren’t going up in flames. Besides, the heat made him sweaty which was pretty hot, no pun intended. You moved your hand up and down his shaft until you began to feel it twitch and grow in your palm. 

Soon enough he was excited enough that he could press inside you. He tried to kiss down your body to get you nice and wet, too. But after not being able to even get started last night and the stressful day you had had, you just wanted him in you. So you helped guide his tip to your entrance. 

He slowly moved his throbbing cock deep inside your core. Your hands wrapped around his back and your fingernails dug into his skin as your walls stretched to accommodate his size. As he picked up the pace, your worries melted away for just a moment. Endorphins flooded the crevices of your body and your eyes rolled back into your head. 

Steve grabbed your thighs and bent your knees up over his shoulders. Your hand flew backwards and slammed against the headboard. He smirked and set a steady pace as he pumped inside you. His thumb pressed against your clit and rubbed quick, counterclockwise circles. Your legs trembled and your knees threatened to buckle around his neck. 

You opened your mouth to scream but the sound got caught in your throat. A moan rippled through your body as you reached your climax. For just one moment, your vision went black but that was probably from rolling your eyes so far back in your head. 

Eventually your moan did turn into a scream. Just because you had finished didn’t mean that Steve was done. His pace began to slow as he neared his own orgasm and his breathing grew shorter as he exhaled in quick, little puffs. He pulled out just in time to finish on your stomach. 

You panted heavily and your body trembled from the rush of an orgasm. He grabbed his towel from the floor and wiped you off before yanking his underwear back on. You also slipped into some panties.

He pulled you in close as you laid your head on his chest and listened to the lullaby of his heartbeat. “(Y/N), I just want you to know that if you realize you do still love Bucky, that I’ll be happy for you,” he whispered to you. It was clear you were confused and had a lot of emotions to sort through so he wanted to make sure that you had one less thing to be concerned about. Regardless of what you chose to do, he would support and care for you just the same. 

You glanced up at him. “Who’ll warm your bed then, hm?” you grinned. In the moment, you felt a guilty pit in your stomach. Was he being serious? Of course he was. There was no man on earth like Captain America, himself. It was nice to know that if you did somehow come to the conclusion that you still loved Bucky (a judgement you weren’t sure would ever come) that you’d have his support. 

Steve just laughed and kissed your head. “Don’t worry about it. Just get some sleep if you can.” It was going to be a long night for you anyway as your body healed. At least you had Steve to stay with you through it all. He was a good man. Wouldn’t it just be easier for you to fall in love with him? So why were you still so confused about Bucky?


	8. Dreaming of a White Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nice little Christmas chapter interlude :)

“Time for Secret Santa!” Tony grinned, a cup of spiked eggnog in his hand. He was a huge fan of Secret Santa since he had a practically limitless budget and he liked to flex that he gave out the most expensive gift. Last year it had been Steve and he had received a vintage car from the forties, all cleaned up and in absolutely remarkable condition. It was a really neat and pretty thoughtful gift. 

You already had a spot on the couch next to Wanda, where the two of you were sipping on coffees and gossiping. The rest of the team gathered together and filled every seat or empty spot on the floor. Tony, in his Santa hat, moved under the almost comically large Christmas tree and began to hand out presents. 

“Okay, who gave me this?” Sam frowned and waved around a large, purple dildo. You slapped a hand over your mouth to muffle your laugh but it didn’t work. He narrowed his eyes at you. Goodness, he hadn’t been the recipient of your Secret Santa gift but you really wished you had done something as hilarious as that. 

“Sam! Wait until everyone has their box!” Wanda frowned and nudged him with her foot. Everyone was supposed to open their gifts at one time. It was just how things were done around here! You were the last one to receive your box, a small thing no bigger than your palm with a small, silk bow. 

“Okay, everyone go ahead and open up,” Tony smiled. Everyone would focus on opening their own gifts and then the accusations would be thrown around. You could either confess to your recipient or you could keep it a secret. Regardless of what you chose to do, it almost became a competition to guess who gave what to whom. 

You tore open the green wrapping paper and opened the small box. Your breath caught in your chest and you bit the inside of your cheek to keep from getting too emotional. “Oh my god,” you whispered and pulled out a delicate gold watch. If your memory served you correctly, it was the exact one you had circled in a magazine back in 1939. 

Only one person could’ve known you wanted this. You turned to face Bucky who had been watching you. He bashfully looked away and thumbed through the “iPhones for Dummies” book that he had received. You pulled the watch around your wrist and turned the dial to adjust the time. How in the world had he found this? It must’ve taken a lot of time, effort, and money. 

“It was you, you little shit, wasn’t it?” Sam waved the floppy dildo in Peter’s direction. It was Peter’s first Christmas with the Avengers. His eyes grew wide and he shook his head. 

“Sam, leave the kid alone. Clearly it came from Natasha,” Steve shook his head. Natasha was infamous when it came to Secret Santa because no one was ever one-hundred-percent certain which gift she gave out. The only year anyone had been able to figure it out was the year everyone else confessed which gift they handed out solely to learn which gift had come from her. Natasha only shrugged. Maybe that gag gift had come from her or maybe it hadn’t. 

Your eyes bounced from each person to each person. Everyone was suspicious and trying to figure out who their gift-giver was so it was smart not to linger too long on whoever you had received. Tony’s recipient was Peter, that much was clear. He opened a large box that had both an Xbox and a Playstation as well as a dozen games for each and all of the necessary accessories. It wasn’t particularly thoughtful but he was a teenage boy so he was excited. 

You had gotten Clint which was great. You bought him a ton of cute and personalized things for his new kid. All things considered, you were pretty lucky. Some people, like Tony and Natasha, were really hard to shop for. 

You joined in with the guessing and acted aloof when Natasha guessed that you were the one to gift Clint all of the baby supplies. It was fun and lighthearted and the night was filled with laughter. You played aloof a second time when asked who you thought gave you your gift; you only shrugged. 

But it grew late and everyone had to go their separate ways. It was Christmas Eve after all and some people actually had families or loved ones to get to. Tony left to be with Pepper, Clint to be with family, Peter to be with his aunt. Everyone else went back to their rooms until you were left alone. 

The lights were out save for the ones on the Christmas tree but that was okay since the fireplace in the corner was the primary source of heat and light anyway. You played with your watch while Christmas music still jingled from the speakers. ‘Where the treetops glisten and children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow.’

“This came out while I was overseas. I always liked this song,” Bucky said. You nearly jumped out of your skin since you hadn’t heard him come back into the living area. Turns out that when everyone else called it a night, he had gone into the kitchen to make some hot chocolate. “You want the one with or without marshmallows?” he offered since he didn’t know how you liked it. 

“With. Thank you,” you smiled gently and took the warm mug. “And thank you for the watch. I can’t believe you remembered that I wanted this.”

“Oh yeah,” he cleared his throat and scratched the back of his head. With the book he had received, it turned out he had also been given a smartwatch - even though he really didn’t know how to use it beyond checking the time. “Well, after getting this I feel bad I didn’t get you something more useful.” A smartwatch could read texts and count steps and play music. He had gotten you some old thing from ages ago so he felt guilty about it. Had he known there were electronic watches, he could’ve gotten you something like that. 

“No, no,” you frowned and shook your head. “No, Buck, this is better. Really. This is truly the most thoughtful thing anyone has given me and I’ve been alive through just about a hundred Christmases.” He looked your way and you smiled because you truly meant it. 

Bucky smiled, “Okay, well I’m glad to hear that.” He drank some of his hot chocolate and the two of you silently watched the fire crackle in the corner. “You did get Barton, didn’t you?” 

You laughed and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I did,” you confirmed for him. He joined in on the laughter. This was the first time the two of you had been alone since that awkward pizza dinner the two of you had shared over a month ago now. You’d see him in pacing and offer a polite smile. Sometimes you’d be in the gym at the same time and, obviously, you were both there when the whole team got together or it was meal time. Hardly any words had been shared between the two of you so it was nice that his interaction now wasn’t nearly as awkward as it could be. 

“You know, Buck,” you began, “I think I’ve been a little selfish since you’ve gotten here. You’re right. We have history. So there’s no reason we can’t at least be friends.” Your gaze was set on the melting marshmallow in your mug but you saw him nodding in your peripheral vision. 

“I’d like that, (Y/N).” Steve had been right (of course, he had). Bucky had been willing to give you the time and space you needed to get to the place where you were okay being around him. That time had allowed you to come down from the high of confusing emotions but it had also given him time to adjust to the reality of the situation, too. The two of you hadn’t been together since the forties; he had come to terms with that. You had come to terms with the fact that you were terrified of being in love again because you couldn’t handle the potential loss; and in this lifestyle, loss was a definite possibility. 

The two of you sat in silence again. It wasn’t awkward - the opposite, in fact. Maybe it was just the fireplace but the room felt warm and comfortable. Just being in each other’s company seemed to be enough. You glanced down at your just beautiful watch and gasped. “Would you look at that. It’s nearly a quarter past. Merry Christmas, Bucky.”

Bucky smiled and raised his mug. “Merry Christmas.” You raised your mug in unison and took a sip though the chocolate had grown cold now. 

“Do you remember our second Christmas together? The one with the really bad snowstorm?” Bucky asked. 

“I do,” you chuckled and pulled your legs up underneath you. “I remember how dramatic I used to be. I seriously thought we would freeze to death and die.” 

“It felt like it for a moment,” he laughed. It had been a terribly cold winter that year. It was just a couple months before your parents passed away but they had gone upstate to visit your sickly grandmother and had gotten snowed in. So Bucky came to keep you company so you weren’t alone on the holiday. 

“My father was always so cheap. It’s why we didn’t have much wood for the fireplace,” you shook your head and closed your eyes to better reminisce. “At least my mother loved quilting as much as she did.” The two of you had bundled up under every blanket in the house as you laid near the small fire that he had managed to start. 

“If I remember correctly, I think that’s the Christmas you learned how poorly I sing,” he reminded you. You giggled and nodded as it all came flooding back. Your parents didn’t have a television but they had a radio. So you had spent the day listening to holiday music and Bucky’s off-key harmonizing. 

“It was charming though,” you assured him. The two of you locked eyes for a moment and you blushed before turning your head away. He cleared his throat and silence filled the room again. 

“We should probably get to bed. Santa won’t come if we’re guarding the tree like this,” you joked and laughed uncomfortably. Bucky nodded in agreement and yet neither of you got up from your spots on the couch. Not until the fire shut off on an automatic timer. You cursed under your breath and searched around the room for the remote to turn it back on. 

When you finally got it roaring again, your body was covered in goosebumps from the cold. “Brr,” you laughed and rubbed your arms. 

Bucky pat the seat beside him and pulled a decorative Christmas blanket off the back of the couch. “Come on. Just for a minute. I’m closer to the fire on this side of the couch anyway,” he noted. You reluctantly sat beside him and pulled your legs to your chest. 

Even though the night had been spent comfortably reminiscing and sitting in each other’s company, this felt more intimate and so you felt awkward. The Christmas track rolled from an annoyingly whiny, modern Christmas song into a soft, instrumental cover of Winter Wonderland. “I love this song,” you whispered and closed your eyes. Even though Bucky had jokingly sung along to a handful of songs all of those years ago, this was the only one you could really remember him singing. 

You leaned your head against his shoulder. He tensed only for a moment before wrapping an arm around you and covering you better under the blanket. “I would go back if we could,” you confessed near-silently. He just squeezed your arm and kissed the top of your head. That wasn’t a possibility and never would be so even considering it hurt his heart because of course he wanted nothing more than that. 

“Merry Christmas, Sugar. Just get some sleep.” But you had already drifted off. As hard as you tried to make him a stranger and to make him feel unfamiliar, in that moment you felt as if you were back home in Brooklyn on the snowy Christmas night in the arms of the only man you ever loved. It was a really good moment.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finally learns how you're still alive and so young after all of these years. . . just not in the way he had hoped.

“Why’d you let her do that?” Steve frowned as he helped Bucky lay your bloody body on the table. Bucky’s hands were shaking as he applied pressure to the gushing wound on your chest. Natasha came rushing in and shoved Bucky out of the way since he didn’t know what he was doing. 

“I didn’t know she was going to stab herself! She just had a few drinks. I’ve never seen someone kill themselves when they got drunk!” Bucky shouted because he was upset and he was afraid. 

Natasha jammed a needle into your arm and got an IV drip going. “She didn’t kill herself and she’s not going to die,” she said plainly. It wasn’t like she was just being hopeful, she seemed to be absolutely certain that you’d be okay. In fact, neither she nor Steve seemed to be freaking out even though there was a gaping hole in your chest where your heart would be. “Damnit, she’s going to catch fire. Look at her blood-alcohol level,” she muttered. 

“How much did she drink, Bucky?” Steve asked, his brow furrowed. 

Bucky ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. We went through two bottles of wine but I guess she did most of the drinking,” he answered. His heart was racing inside of his chest. He was going to lose you. 

“Stop stressing. She’s done this twice before. I guess no one told you to watch out for this. She tries to show-off when she gets drunk,” Natasha explained. 

“Did she tell you that she was immortal and you didn’t believe her?” Steve asked Buck and crossed his arms. Even though you had stabbed yourself in the chest, once hooked up to the machines, you had a steady heart rate. Bucky just nodded. “That’ll do it.”

Steve sat down and leaned his head back. It was so early in the morning and he had just barely fallen asleep when Bucky came crashing in with your body in his arms. “You don’t have to stay. I can keep an eye on her,” Buck told Steve after Natasha had gone back to bed. Now that you were all hooked up, there was no point in her staying if one of the boys were going to. 

“You should stay, too. But you don’t know what you’re about to deal with,” Steve yawned and shut his eyes. It would be a long night. 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- EARLIER THAT DAY -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

After surviving Christmas Eve and realizing that being friends with Bucky wouldn’t be so bad, you found yourself spending a little more time with him. It was nothing too crazy but sometimes you would spar together in the gym or you’d take him into the city for vendor hot dogs and pretzels. It was nice and the two of you got along just fine without allowing it to become awkward.

It was late and everyone had gone off to bed. You were only up because you were sneaking some wine from the fridge. There was a sigh coming from the couch so you moved your way into the living area where you saw Bucky fiddling with his smartphone. “Still having trouble with that, old man?” you asked and moved beside him. 

Bucky groaned in frustration and handed the device over to you. “I can’t figure out how to open these apps. They keep shaking,” he explained. He had accidentally set the home screen into an edit mode so you easily fixed it for him. “Thanks. I don’t know why I struggle with this and you can do it so easily.”

“I was able to learn the new technology as it came out. You and Steve were just kind of thrown into the future,” you chuckled as you thought back to how much Steve used to struggle. Even now there were some things he still couldn’t get quite right. 

“You know, you’ve still never told me how you’re still so young,” Bucky noted and glanced your way. He still only knew the little bit that Steve or the others were willing to share. That you had taken some sort of drug and it kept you young. 

“And you still hide your metal arm so I guess we both keep secrets,” you said and popped the cork out of the bottle and took a swig of the moscato. Bucky nodded and curled his fingers into a fist. You had seen glimpses of his arm when his sleeve would get pushed up and sometimes he wore fingerless gloves instead of regular, leather ones. But you had never gotten to really see his new appendage. 

He pulled his glove off and shimmied out of his jacket. His shirt covered up the red star on his shoulder as well as the scar from where the arm was attached to the flesh but he was allowing you to see the rest. You made eye contact with him for a moment before scooting in closer. “May I?” you asked and he rested his hand in both of yours. 

You felt over the ridges from the metal and noted how cool it felt against your skin. You flipped his hand over and ran your fingers over his palm. “Can you feel anything with it?” you asked. It was probably a stupid question but with modern technology, it wasn’t completely asinine. 

Bucky shook his head and then shrugged. “Well, I can tell that you’re touching it but I can’t feel the texture of it. I can really only feel pressure on it,” he explained and curled his fingers so they barely brushed across the top of your hand. 

You took a longer sip of your wine before offering him the bottle. He gulped down some of the bittersweet alcohol before handing it back to you. “All things considered, it’s kind of cool,” you smiled. You couldn’t imagine what it was like to lose an arm (well, you could but that was for a different time) and have a prosthetic in its place. At least his arm was fully functioning and surely it came with perks such as not feeling any pain. 

“So you want to tell me how you’re still alive and kicking?” Bucky asked. Quid pro quo. You exhaled and downed the rest of the moscato which ended up being half a bottle. Had you really finished almost an entire bottle in such a short time? The fuzziness in your head confirmed that you really had. 

“Gonna need a little more to drink for that,” you laughed. You came back out with a dry, red wine and plopped down on the couch. It was quiet for some time while you gathered your thoughts and tried to decide just how much of the story you were willing to share. Not even Steve or Nat or Tony knew your whole story. 

“I was in a bad spot when I got word that you fell off that train,” you began slowly. You’d tell him all he needed to know without painting yourself in a bad light or making him feel as if he was to blame. It wasn’t his fault but the guilt was already on his face. “I thought I was going to get evicted and so I got into some things I shouldn’t have.” 

You popped the cork off and began to down more of the wine. The wine was certainly making this a little easier. You exhaled slowly before continuing. “I just kept getting myself into worse and worse positions. I ended up being trafficked but. . . it was for drugs not. . . anyway. . . I had to swallow this bag of white powder that I assumed to be cocaine but turned out to be dragon bone.”

“Like real dragon bone or is that slang I don’t know?” Bucky asked, his brow furrowed. 

You laughed. “Real dragon bone. Didn’t know dragons were real but I guess I didn’t know aliens were real either until a few years ago.” You drank more and more of the wine which relaxed your muscles. 

“Well, it burst when it was inside of me. Felt like my entire body was burning from the inside out. Guess it kinda did. But anyway, I woke up eight months later on some island off the coast of China. Turns out that dragon bone is the main ingredient used in the elixir of immortality,” you smiled acrimoniously. 

“The amount I ingested should’ve killed me. It wasn’t even properly synthesized. Still not quite sure exactly what happened but now I can’t die. Or at least I haven’t found a way I can die yet,” you shrugged. 

Bucky reached over and took a sip of your wine before handing it back. “That’s kind of crazy, (Y/N),” he chuckled in disbelief. It was a lot to absorb. He definitely felt at fault. Trafficked! If he had been more careful and come back to you alive then that never would’ve happened. But here you were, looking as young as the day he left you. Your closing words finally clicked in his head. “How do you know for certain? I mean. . . everyone has to die at some point, right?” 

You smirked and moved onto his lap. The effects of two bottles of wine were starting to show. He was unsure and confused about this sudden intimacy but he rested his hands around your waist and looked into your wine-drunk eyes. “Want to see a trick?” you whispered and leaned close as if you were going to kiss him.

He seriously thought that his heart was going to burst straight out of his chest. This wasn’t fair of you to come on to him while you were drunk! The last thing he would do is take advantage of you but this was going to leave him more confused and alone than ever. 

But you weren’t trying to kiss him. You just leaned in so you had a better angle at the knife you knew he kept in his pocket. It flicked open easily and you ran it down your thumb gently enough not to break the skin. “I can grow back body parts but that’s kind of messy so I’ll just show you the showstopping move,” you chuckled and fell from his lap. 

“(Y/N), what’re you-” Bucky asked. His eyes grew wide and he reached to grab your arm but it was too late. How was he supposed to guess that you’d stab yourself and in the chest no less. “(Y/N)!” He scooped you into his arms and frantically ran through the halls of the Avengers Tower. 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Steve had fallen asleep at your bedside but Bucky was pacing nervously. Even though you had a steady heartbeat, you had still been stabbed through the heart. You really weren’t kidding. You couldn’t be killed and you could regenerate. Finally those scars that went all the way around your elbow or your pinky finger made sense. You must’ve lost those pieces of yourself and they grew back. It was insane! 

Bucky took your hand in his and squeezed it. The heart rate monitor began to speed up and your body convulsed. Steve woke up and shook the sleep from his mind. “Down the hall, there’s a cabinet with gallon jugs of water. Bring back three,” Steve instructed Bucky. He was gone and back in record time. 

Steve popped one of the caps off and pushed your lips open. He started to pour water down your throat. “You’re going to choke her!” Bucky exclaimed nervously as you coughed and sputtered. 

“She’s burning on the inside!” Steve frowned. This wasn’t his first rodeo helping you. Regardless, it made Bucky too nervous so he pushed the jug of water away, spilling it all over Steve. You rolled onto your side and spit out a mouthful of water before screaming, arching your back, and spouting flames from your lips. 

You fell back on the bed and panted heavily. “Steve,” you whimpered. He moved to your side and snatched the remaining jugs of water out of Bucky’s hands. You took one of them in your shaky hands and drank it in its entirety. Your heart rate began to slow to a more normal pace. Steve hooked up a new IV drip bag to the line in your arm. “I’m sorry, Steve,” you whispered.

“You’re alright, Doll,” he assured you and kissed your head. He pulled out some ice packs and laid them on your body. Bucky watched from the corner of the room. It felt like when he tried to help, he only made things worse. 

You turned your head to the side and smiled weakly at Bucky. “See?” you chuckled and winced as the laughter hurt your healing chest. “Not my best move but it’s a showstopper.”

“You have to stop stabbing yourself,” Steve frowned. 

“(Y/N), I’m sorry. I should’ve fully believed you. I do now. I do,” Bucky assured you and moved back to your side where he took your hand into his. He pulled his flesh hand away and hissed. Your skin was hot - far hotter than skin should be. That wasn’t enough to stop him, though, so he held your hand with his metal one. 

“Told you your hand was kind of cool,” you smiled and closed your eyes as you tangled your fingers between his. He only smiled sadly and nodded. 

“She’s okay,” Steve promised Bucky after you drifted back to sleep. “She usually only has one big burst like that. She’ll be totally healed by tomorrow night. I’m going to head to bed. You’re good to stay with her?” Bucky nodded. He wouldn’t even think about going anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the dragon bone stuff is actually (more or less) canon! I took a few liberties with it but I like to add as much canon info in as I can :)


	10. Fire for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up from your recovery and explain a little bit of your power to Bucky
> 
> A/N: I realized that after finishing I forgot to include a song somewhere in there which is disappointing but it was becoming tedious. Let me know if you want me to resume adding in old-timey music and titles.

You exhaled slowly and your eyes fluttered open. Bucky was asleep with his head resting on the empty space of the hospital cot you were on. In his slumber, his hand had slipped from yours so you were free to run your fingers through his hair. Goodness, the sensation of his long hair was so different than the shorter hair you were used to. 

He groaned and yawned before sitting up with a lazy smile on his face. “How many times did I wake up?” you asked. When you were in that state, everything was fuzzy and clouded with the smoke. The only thing you vaguely remembered was teasing him about your party trick. 

“Once when you breathed fire and two more times from nightmares,” Bucky answered and took your hand back into his own. Maybe it wasn’t appropriate considering the weird spot the two of you were in your relationship but he kissed your fingers anyway. 

You rolled your shoulders and ran your free hand through your hair. “That’s not too bad then,” you sighed in relief. Your record was breathing fire twice, waking six times for nightmares, and then being comatose for three days. That had really been a wild week. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you do that. I shouldn’t have let it come to that,” Bucky apologized again. The weight of what happened was really heavy on his already burdened shoulders. He squeezed your hand a little tighter as if he were afraid you might just float away. 

You were occupied looking down your hospital gown at the new scar forming. A smirk crawled on your face when you noticed how well the three little tallies lined up. “Oh, seriously, you don’t have to apologize. I would love to blame it on the alcohol but I was sober the first time I did it and only half-drunk the second time,” you shrugged nonchalantly. 

“Why do you keep doing it? Doesn’t it hurt?” he asked. 

“Sure it does. But I had to prove to Fury that I really meant business. The other time was on a dare to freak Banner out,” you chuckled. It really did hurt like hell but there was something about being told you were a liar or exaggerating that hurt your ego - and you weren’t even usually that prideful. 

“You stabbed yourself in the heart on a dare?” Bucky frowned. That seemed foolish and reckless. 

You only shrugged again. “Tony was there, too. I know he wanted to see it in action. Besides, I told you I was half-drunk then. The stabbing hurts less than the shooting anyway so that’s usually why I go for the knife to the chest.”

Bucky furrowed his brow and gave you a confused look so you showed him the scar on the back of your head. “This one hurt like you wouldn’t believe. Worst pain of my life. But I was undercover and cornered. Seemed like the best option at the time but it’s something I never want to do again,” you explained. He shook his head in disbelief. 

“So what about the breathing fire? Why’d you do that?” he asked. The whole thing was just so crazy to him but he was obviously going to buy every word you said at this point. You hadn’t lied so far and the last time he showed doubt you had seemingly died in his arms. 

“It’s a side effect from taking the dragon bone. I can’t do it on command which is kind of a bummer. My body uses heat to heal itself. Sometimes when it gets really bad. . . or I’ve had a lot to drink. . . the heat grows and grows until-” You used your hand to mime breathing fire. 

“And. . . the nightmares?” Bucky asked, hoping that he wasn’t overstepping his bounds. He winced when you sunk back into the bed and chewed on your lower lip nervously. You squeezed his hand tightly. 

“That’s a side effect, too. Apparently taking too much of the dragon bone can illicit madness. I don’t really feel crazy but I have the most vivid nightmares because of it,” you whispered, your stare glossing over. Your grip on his hand tightened until your knuckles grew pale. It’s like you snapped out of a haze - you flinched, shook your head, and laughed. “Just about everyone here has nightmares though.”

Bucky pursed his lips and neither agreed or disagreed. You looked at him curiously. Did he have nightmares too, then? It was your turn to pull his hand to your lips and kiss his knuckles. He offered a grateful smile. 

You slipped from the cot, much to Bucky’s dismay and disapproval, but you assured him you felt fine. At this point, it just felt as if your chest was bruised; even most of your heat was gone. You knelt beside a cabinet and ruffled through the medicine. “What’s great is that they don’t lock it up. Thank God I’m not a junkie,” you laughed facetiously. He caught the orange bottle you threw his way. “Keep it on the down low or they’ll start putting chains around the handles but two of those and a sip of whiskey should help you sleep dreamlessly.” 

He looked at the bottle and then up at you. “Why don’t you use these then?” he asked. His nightmares were terrible and it was clear from the bags under his eyes that they frequently kept him up at night. Even so, he would rather you find peace first. 

You laughed bashfully and ran a hand through your hair. “You’ve really got me painting a bad picture of myself here,” you rambled nervously. Your clothes were folded on a chair in the corner so you pulled your pants on first, under the gown. “Turns out I gain immunity to any drug I use too often. So I can’t use any form of morphine, antihistamine, or methamphetamine. It just doesn’t work anymore. At least it doesn’t seem to work on booze.” 

Bucky didn’t judge. He didn’t know what you had been through. But it would be a lie to say it didn’t change how he looked at you. It’s not that he thought poorly of you now, but he realized that you really weren’t the innocent girl he had left back in Brooklyn decades ago. Something clicked in his brain and he just had to ask. “Did you overdose on those? Is that why you have immunity to it?” 

You shed your hospital gown with your back turned to him so he didn’t get a show for free. He turned away out of respect for your privacy but not before he took notice of the dragon tattoo on your back. How hadn’t he noticed that before? “The sixties were pretty wild,” you laughed but didn’t answer his question flat out. 

After pulling on your shirt, you moved past him out into the hall. “Now that I’ve aired out all of my dirty laundry to you, I think I need another drink,” you smiled. 

“Is that a good idea? After everything that happened?” Bucky asked and chased after you, concern practically dripping from his words. 

“After what? The drugs? I haven’t taken drugs since the seventies. Or are you concerned about me breathing fire again? Because I’m not stabbing myself a fourth time,” you assured him and shoved your hands in your pockets. It’s just that you had made yourself look like an idiotic, daredevil junkie in front of the man who had only ever seen you as a sweet girl. It was a blow to your ego so you didn’t know why you told him so much. It had been cathartic to finally get that all off your chest though. Now he really knew who you were. 

“I can come with you. . .” Bucky offered as he stifled a yawn. He had been so worried about you that he hadn’t gotten even a wink of sleep while you recovered. 

You chuckled and shook your head. “It’s okay. Go get some sleep.” He nodded and shook the pill bottle before the two of you parted ways.

After pouring a single glass of wine and then putting the bottle away, you moved over to the stove and pulled out a mixing bowl so you could make a cake roll. As you were digging around the pantry for the ingredients you needed, you heard footsteps on the tile behind you. “You’re easy to track down,” Natasha chuckled. She helped you move the ingredients you needed to the island where you’d get to work.

“Why? Because I always end up in the kitchen?” You cracked a smile and an egg. She laughed and poured some chocolate chips into her palm that she tossed onto her tongue and let melt. 

“You know Barnes stayed with you the entire time, right? Didn’t leave once,” she informed you on the off chance that you hadn’t figured that out yourself. 

“You know. . . I guess that explains why he smelled so funky,” you joked teasingly. Of course you knew he had stayed the entire time. “He felt guilty. Thought he was the reason I stabbed myself.” You paused a moment and sighed at yourself. “God, I’m an idiot. I’ve got to stop doing things like that,” you mumbled. The reality of how dumb it was that you stabbed yourself was setting in - it had just been hiding behind the shame of confessing that you used to be a junkie but now it was set free. 

“Well, he could’ve just believed you,” Nat shrugged. “Or you could just stop stabbing yourself. Seems like it should go without saying but here we are.” You gave her a look before playfully rolling your eyes. 

“Get to your point already.” She wouldn’t have just brought up Bucky if she wasn’t going somewhere with it. No point in dancing around the subject.

She moved around the counter and took up her usual spot which was across from where you normally worked. Rumor had it that all of the best gossip was traded from that seat. As both the recipient and donor of said gossip, you could confirm that to be true. 

“I know you haven’t hooked up with Steve since New Year’s Eve,” she noted which caused you to put down your whisk. She had your full attention now because you knew exactly where this was headed. “It’s Barnes, isn’t it? Did he get into your head or Steve’s?” You used to sneak into Steve’s room at least once a week, if not more. Now it had been well over a month since your last little rendezvous. 

“Bold of you to assume Barnes had any role in that at all,” you stated simply and began to whisk once more. 

Natasha just scoffed. “You’re a bad liar and you know it.” 

“I’ve done plenty of undercover missions and done a fine job while doing so,” you defended yourself nonchalantly. But you knew what she had meant. You weren’t good enough to lie to a world-class spy like her. 

“Was it you or Rogers?” 

You licked your lips and pursed them together tightly. “Steve.” Natasha watched you - no, she observed you - to see if you were telling the whole truth. As far as she could tell, it seemed to be the case. 

“Must be getting pretty horny then. I’m sure Barnes would warm your bed,” she shrugged and watched you with a sly grin. 

You slammed your whisk down again. “Stop playing matchmaker,” you hissed quietly. She was going to really get a rumor about the two of you started if she kept trying to push you back into Bucky’s arms. “I like what we have right now, as friends. We gave love a shot eighty years ago. It didn’t work out.”

“Well. . .”

“No,” you stopped her, your voice firm. “It didn’t work out.” 

“If you say so,” Natasha sighed. “Come and get me when the cake’s finished.” She left you to finish baking on your own. 

But she knew something that you didn’t know. Steve was usually there when you had your nightmares and had gone to her for her opinion and the two of you decided never to bring it up unless you mentioned it first. It eventually became apparent that you didn’t really remember your nightmares or what happened when you woke up from them. More often than not, though, you woke up screaming for Bucky. Not only had you been doing this since he had gotten back, but you had been doing it for years. It was always and only Bucky. So there was no way in hell that you didn’t feel something for him.


	11. Born to Give You Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bucky get into some embarrassing situations while away on a mission that result in more complications to your relationship.
> 
> A/N: back at it again with the music titles

The team had gathered together. . . well, at least the ones that would be useful on this particular mission. It was the first real one you’d been assigned to in months which felt nice; sitting around all day made it feel as if you were just another antique collecting dust. In fact, your concern was that you’d be a little out of practice but at least you had been spending lots of time in the gym to remain in shape. 

Intel had been received that Hydra must have a base hidden on one of the Hawaiian islands because several high-ranking members had been spotted going in and out of two hotels near each other. For what reason? Well, that’s what you had to figure out. You’d go undercover with Bucky and Natasha to gather more information before any sort of strike mission was prepared. 

Tony put you up in a fancy hotel where the few sightings had been. To be honest, you were just excited to be somewhere so tropical. The last intel mission you had gone on was in Maine in the winter; that had been less fun. You were in the room across from Natasha but nex to Bucky and you unpacked your suitcase before changing into ‘civilian clothes’ so that you would better blend in with the tourists. 

You stepped out in a bikini with a sarong tied around your waist. The large hat and sunglasses you also donned weren’t particularly your style but they would be helpful in allowing you to surveille people less conspicuously. 

It made sense that Bucky wouldn’t get to come out in just a pair of swim trunks since he had an entire arm he had to keep hidden. If it wasn’t for the fact that he would be useful in spotting undercover Hydra agents that he recognized, this wouldn’t have been the best mission for him to join. But he was here so he stepped out in shorts, a long-sleeved surfer’s shirt, and sunglasses. He had his metal hand jammed into his pocket and his hair was pulled back into a bun. You bit your lower lip and stifled a snicker; it was certainly a look. “I’ve never seen you in shorts before,” you smiled. 

He took you in so that he could give a similar retort but he was left speechless. He’d never seen you dressed in so little before. You blushed as his eyes lingered a little longer than they should’ve. “Come on, lovebirds,” Natasha chuckled from her doorway, dressed not too dissimilarly from you. You playfully smacked her with the cream tote bag you had on your shoulder.

“Stop that,” you hissed and moved into the elevator and down to the poolside. 

The three of you remained relatively close for awhile until Natasha got a lead that she followed into town. Likewise, you ended up on the beach watching a very large, German man walk around on the sand while in a full-body suit. You didn’t speak much German but you recorded as much of the conversation as you could for Natasha to interpret later. 

Eventually the sun went down and the three of you ended up back in your rooms. You had accidentally gotten a little more sun than you had intended so your shoulders and back were a little crispy. After putting on some aloe in all of the spots you could reach, you slipped on a silky blouse that felt smooth and cool against your skin. 

Your stomach grumbled and you were going to go raid the vending machines. Since you weren’t sure if the other two had eaten, you decided to ask if they wanted to join in on your dinner for champions. You barely knocked on Bucky’s door before popping your head into his room. “Hey, Buck-” Your eyes grew wide. “Oh my god, I’m sorry!” You slammed the door behind you and rushed into your room. 

Well, it seemed as if the two of you were even now. He walked in on you sleeping with Steve and you walked in on him with his hand around his dick. It was unfortunate that that was your first experience seeing his member but at least you hadn’t gotten a good look. After a few minutes there was a knock on your door; you didn’t have to look through the peephole to know who was on the other side. 

The door swung open and it was hard to tell who won the competition of having the most uncomfortable look on their face. “I’m sorry,” he apologized quickly and ran a hand through his hair. 

You shook your head. “No. That was completely my bad,” you assured him. “I’m sorry. I should’ve waited after knocking. I just. . .”

Bucky jammed his hands into his pockets and pursed his lips. “I’m just embarrassed. Wasn’t a classy thing for a man to do. Just. . . sorry you had to see it,” he continued his apology. 

You actually found yourself giggling. “Well, I think doing what you were doing is far more normal than you’re thinking,” you assured him. It wasn’t the forties anymore where it was terribly taboo to find satisfaction when you needed it. “It’s not that you were doing it. . . I’m just sorry I invaded your privacy while you did it.”

Bucky nodded. He only felt a little more relieved. “Well, I’m going to go back to my room and just. . . think about life for awhile I guess,” he tried to laugh it off but he was still wildly embarrassed. His face was an adorable shade of rosy pink. 

“Sorry, Bucky. I promise, it’s as good as forgotten,” you grinned. It was a lie because it was going to be more difficult than that to forget about it. But you wouldn’t bring it up to him again because he was clearly going to die from embarrassment if you didn’t. 

You watched him lock himself away in his room and you shut your own door behind you. Your appetite was gone now. Interestingly enough, though, there was another hunger that had taken its place. Maybe it was because you hadn’t had sex in months because Steve wasn’t putting out anymore or maybe it came from seeing Bucky naked but there was an uncomfortable heat growing between your legs. 

So you moved into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Maybe some cold water would help extinguish the flames. Instead, the cool only made the fire feel hotter. So there was only one thing left to do; you had just said it was normal, right? Your fingers moved down your body and dipped between your legs.

It wasn’t nearly as good as the real thing but it was doing the job just fine for now. You leaned back against the wall of the shower as the water poured over your body. The longer you drew circles over your clit, the weaker your knees felt and it was growing harder not to slip. You bit your lip but a heavy moan passed through your lips as you inched towards the finish line. Your breath caught in your throat and a short slur of expletives spilled out before a final moan signaled your climax. 

You were in a much better mood now. With a towel wrapped around your body, you put on some music. ‘I light up when you call my name and you know I'm gonna treat you right. You give me fever.’ You hummed along as you moved into the bedroom. A scream passed through the fingers that covered your mouth. 

“How long have you been in here?!” you asked. Bucky had been by the door which had been enough to scare the life out of you. You held the towel tightly around your body, your hair dripping water down your back. 

“I just came in! I thought you might be hungry. I wanted to see if you wanted to eat,” Bucky rattled off quickly. The two of you seriously needed to work on privacy! There was this weird feeling that you felt like he was lying and that he had heard more than he should’ve but you’d just have to take his word for it. 

The two of you held eye contact for just a moment longer than necessary. That feeling you had grew stronger because the air in the room had become electrically charged. His eyes moved down to your chest but only because they landed on your necklace. You quickly grabbed the ring and held it in your palm. “You have it still,” Bucky whispered. How had he not seen what was at the end of your chain until now. 

You clenched your jaw and rolled your tongue over the front of your teeth. His eyes on your body were enough to get hot again but the ring in your palm was keeping you grounded. “It’s. . . I mean. . .” You couldn’t come up with anything good to say. Were you supposed to tell him that you kept it only for sentimentality or that you wore it as a reminder not to fall in love again. 

Turns out it didn’t matter. Hearing your moans through the bathroom wall, seeing your wet body and heaving chests, the ring you still kept. . . Bucky needed you. He closed the distance between you and held the back of your head as he kissed you. 

“Bucky,” you whispered and gently pulled your lips away just enough that they weren’t touching his as you spoke. 

“Tell me to stop and I will. Tell me that you don’t feel anything and I’ll leave,” Bucky spoke quietly, his metal hand running up and down your arm, the chill from the metal leaving your body covered in goosebumps. 

You had always imagined your first time with Bucky to be far more romantic and sensual than this. Then again, when you had really imagined sleeping with Bucky it had been decades ago when you had still been a virgin. And even now, you were thinking that this was probably a really bad idea. You weren’t even sure if you loved him or if you just wanted his cock inside of you. 

Sleeping with Bucky was surely going to make things far more complicated. But you could just chalk it up to nerves from being on a mission. “Just this once,” you whispered and pulled him deeper into your room. His lips were on yours again. 

You had forgotten just how good at kissing he was. Now that you had really kissed your share of men over the years and gained a more objective view on the matter, you could confirm that he really was an amazing kisser. Each time he closed his lips around yours, it felt as if your very being was being filled with a magic you just couldn’t quite grasp. 

Since you were in a towel, you took the liberty of undressing him to even the playing field. He was already rock hard before his boxers hit the floor. His finger curled around the fabric of your towel and he ripped it from your body. He inhaled sharply as he finally got to take in your body in all of its naked glory. How long he had waited for this moment. 

His fingers gently cupped your breast and his thumb brushed over your nipple which stiffened at his touch. You took his hand and sucked on his fingers, causing him to groan excitedly. “Don’t turn this into something it’s not,” you whispered to him. “I just want you to fuck me with all you have.” This wasn’t supposed to be slow and sensual and romantic because that would result in you catching feelings you didn’t want caught. 

This isn’t at all how he pictured your first time together would be either. But if you wanted all he could offer, then that’s what you were going to get. You crawled onto the bed and wiggled your behind in the air as he took a stance behind you. He gripped your ass as he lined his member up with your center and pressed inside. 

You hummed gently, happily and rolled your head around your shoulders. Finally, real satisfaction. He started quickly, ramming his entire length deep inside of you which gave your walls little time to adjust to his girth. You bit your tongue but a deep moan escaped your lips anyway. 

It took a moment for him to slow down to a steadier pace. After all, he hadn’t had sex in a very long time and now he was doing it with the one woman he had ever loved. The sound of flesh against flesh set a beat that perfectly accompanied the melody of your moans and harmony of his sighs. 

You sat up on your knees so that your back was pressed to his chest as he kept thrusting inside of you. Your head rolled back against his shoulder. Bucky moved his hands around your body. His left hand cupped your breast while his right moved between your legs. He rubbed quickly against your clit. “Fuck,” you repeated over and over. 

You pulled out of his grasp and slammed your hands against the mattress. Your fingers dug for fabric to cling to as an orgasm shook through your body. You bit so hard into your thumb that you broke skin but at least you managed to stifle your screams just a little bit. 

Bucky grabbed your arm and yanked you back up against him. His metal hand curled around your neck tightly. One of the perks of not being able to die is that you could be choked as hard as he wanted. Your legs trembled and you whimpered as he kept pressing inside of you, your core aching in the best way possible. 

“Fuck, Sugar,” he groaned in your ear as he finished inside of you. As he pulled out, you felt his seed run down your leg. You collapsed forward on the bed and caught your breath. That was far better than you expected it to be, considering how out of practice he must be. You felt the cool of a wet rag between your legs before Bucky climbed up over top of you and kissed your shoulder. 

He kissed your sex-flushed back and down your spine which sent tingles all the way up to your brain and down to your lady bits which were already sensitive as it was. His hands moved around your waist as he kissed further and further down your body. 

“Bucky,” you whispered and rolled around. He moved back up and pecked at your lips. He laid his hand against your chest and pressed his thumb to the ring on your chain. He sucked on your neck that would certainly have a hand-shaped bruise in the morning. You could already feel the faint heat inside your body. “Buck, you should probably get back to your room before Natasha figures out what we did.” 

He pulled away and looked like a wounded little puppy but he nodded. As he slipped into his boxers you grabbed his hand. “Or maybe you could stay for just a little bit longer,” you whispered and winced at your own words. As much as you could pretend that you offered for him to stay because you felt bad for kicking him out, you knew you had actually done it because the room would feel empty once he was gone.

Bucky sighed and smiled gently. “Just a little bit then,” he agreed. If Natasha hadn’t already figured it out, then you were right. It would make things less complicated for not only the two of you but for the team if no one knew about your hookup. That’s all it had been after all, just some meaningless sex to release some pent-up energy. 

It would be hard to convince anyone of that if they saw the way you curled into his body after he crawled back into bed with you. It definitely would seem like a lie if they knew how quickly you fell asleep with his arms around you and your head against his chest. It looked like the two of you really belonged together. 

Waking alone was one of the hardest things you had to do. You gripped at the ring on your chest and choked back tears. Bucky had listened and had snuck back to his room in the night, long after you had fallen asleep in his arms. But waking alone just took you back all of those years when you had been left alone permanently. Maybe it was time to get over yourself and risk the pain of love if that meant keeping him in your bed until morning.


	12. I'd Never Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After almost losing Bucky to a bullet, you find yourself on the brink of nervous breakdown.

“Damnit, Bucky!” you hissed angrily and dug into your pack. His body was propped against yours in the backseat of the car Natasha was driving away. The three of you had gotten into some hot water but at least you figured out why Hydra was gathering here. Unfortunately, as you tried to retreat, it ended up in a shootout. “I can’t die!” 

You had moved in front of Bucky to take a bullet for him but he ended up shielding you instead and now he was bleeding profusely from a hole in his side. “Habit, I guess,” he winced. While he knew you couldn’t die, in the heat of the moment, he was just concerned that you were going to get shot. 

“Well, now you’re going to be lucky if you make it off this fucking island,” you growled and used tweezers to dig into his wound. He clenched his jaw and slammed his fist against the back of the passenger seat, the pain was searing in his side. You’d feel worse about it but this had been completely avoidable. 

Once the bullet was out, you let it fall to the floor so you could patch him up. He needed to be stitched up but it appeared you didn’t have time for that. “Hold this,” you instructed him and pushed a large pad of cotton against the wound. 

You shot out the back window with your gun and fired at the two black SUVs hot on your tail. “Can you lose these guys? I’ve got to get this idiot stitched up or he’ll bleed out,” you asked Nat while attempting to shoot out the tires. Two Hydra agents popped their hands out of passenger side windows. 

“Do you want to drive?” Natasha frowned. “Fuck!” You had dodged just in time to miss being shot in the head but that resulted in the bullet fracturing the front window near Natasha. 

Bucky snatched the gun out of your hand. “Keep your head down,” he instructed you calmly. He sat up and expertly fired at the two shooters. Once they were at least taken care of, he laid back down. Sometimes you forgot that he not only had plenty of military experience, but that he was an assassin with a high body count. 

“I think I can lose these guys up here,” Natasha informed the two of you. That was good news because Bucky was looking pale even if he was holding it together pretty well. 

You pulled out a needle so you could begin stitching him up. “You want to wait until she’s done driving?” Bucky asked. Being sewn up in a moving car was likely going to be far less fun than the oh-so-enjoyable experience it already was. 

“You want to bleed out or get shot again?” You asked and met his eyes. You were an hour away from the quinjet and Hydra could catch up at any moment so you couldn’t just pull over for a minute; all three of you could get shot that way. 

Bucky shut up and just winced as you began to suture the wound. You shook your head angrily the whole time but the anger only intensified your focus. Once you finished, you wiped your bloody hands off on your shirt and crawled into the passenger seat. “I don’t want to hear shit from you,” you whispered to Natasha who was more than aware of the sexual rendezvous the two of you had shared. 

“I didn’t say anything,” she defended.

“Well, don’t.” You slapped the volume button on the radio and held your arms. The last thing you wanted to hear was some sort of comment about how cute it was that the two of you were willing to take bullets for each other. You would’ve done the same for any of your teammates. 

‘I don't tell you what to say. I don't tell you what to do. So just let me be myself; that's all I ask of you.’ The oldies station played the tune through half-broken speakers. You decided that maybe silence was best after all so you shut it right off again. 

Eventually Natasha pulled into the hangar where the quinjet was. She helped Bucky into the jet while you went in and began to turn it on. Thank goodness for Tony’s AI because otherwise Natasha would need to fly but she would be better off making sure that you had properly patched up Bucky. 

The three of you were in the air and flying back to New York. Besides a share of Hydra agents, the base in Hawaii served as nothing more than a secret meeting place - a sort of middleman in an attempt to keep the real base’s location hidden. But Natasha had hacked into their system and gotten the information needed. It was already being transmitted to SHIELD to be completely deciphered so a new game plan could be made. 

“You did pretty good considering how bumpy those roads were,” Natasha said, taking a seat beside you after you were already halfway there. “He’ll be alright. It just barely missed his kidney so he’s pretty lucky.” 

You clenched your jaw and just nodded. “I’m so fucking mad, Nat. I’m so mad,” you told her as if the look on your face and the grip you had on the yoke hadn’t made that obvious enough. “He could’ve died for absolutely no reason. The rest of you know to let me take the hits. Why couldn’t he?” 

“Well, I think you know why but I’m afraid you’ll crash the plane if I say it,” Natasha teased gently in a failed effort to ease the tension. You just tapped your foot impatiently because you were ready to get home.

“Look, (Y/N),” Natasha frowned because now she was tired of how ridiculous you were being, “It’s instinct. I bet you any amount of money he would’ve done the same thing for anyone else on the team. Don’t take it personally.” That did NOT make you feel better. 

“I’m not taking it personally. If he’s got a death wish then good for him. I don’t want to be a part of that,” you snapped back. Bucky could hear you bickering from where he was resting in the back and he winced at every word. He didn’t have a death wish. He just wanted you to be safe. 

The rest of the ride was spent in awkward silence. You allowed Natasha to land the jet and you were the first one off as soon as the platform lowered. If Bucky needed to be escorted to the medical bay then literally anyone else could do it because you just couldn’t look at him right now. 

You gave your debriefing immediately because you just wanted to close the book on this frustrating chapter. After finally making it to your shower, you collapsed under the water and broke into an uncontrollable sob. You choked for the air that was trying desperately to make its way down your throat. Your fingernails scratched at the tile flooring and you crawled out of the water so you could curl into a ball in front of the sink. 

There was a knock at the door and Steve’s familiar, concerned voice. “(Y/N)?” 

“I can’t breathe,” you cried to Steve through the door (though it sounded more like ‘I cah bree’). He threw the door open and scooped you up in a towel. After sitting you down on the bed and taking your hands into his, he looked into your eyes and had him breathe with him. 

Tears still poured from your eyes but at least oxygen managed to find its way back into your lungs. “After Bucky told me what happened, I figured you might be a little upset,” Steve explained quietly since he was sure you were wondering how he knew to come check on you. He didn’t think it would be this bad, though. 

He handed you a box of tissues before pulling some clothes from your closet to help you get dressed. After slipping into some underwear and a shirt, you moved into his lap where you broke down again. Steve just rubbed your back and used your towel to dry your hair while he let you cry. 

Steve took your face into his hands and looked into your bleary eyes. “(Y/N), it’s okay,” he whispered and smiled. “He’s okay. He’s not going anywhere.” He placed a kiss on your forehead and just pulled you back into his arms until you settled down. 

The intense grip you had on his shirt had actually caused it to stretch at the collar. “Sorry, Steve,” you whispered and ran your fingers over the fabric before wiping the last of your tears on your sleeve. “It just felt like I was twenty again. God, I don’t have to tell you how it felt.” He was there when Bucky fell from the train so it had to have been so much worse for him. But the letter you had received noting his passing had been pretty unbearable, too. When he got shot in Hawaii, it was like receiving that note all over again. 

“I know. It’s something I tried to drink to forget but he’s here now. And he’s okay,” he promised you. One of the few burdens that came with his super-soldier serum was that he couldn’t get drunk. You definitely divulged in unhealthy vices to deal with Bucky’s death in the forties. 

You nodded and moved from his lap. “Is he still in the medical bay?” you asked. 

Steve shook his head. “You and Nat did a good job patching him up. He needs to take it easy until it heals but I promise you he’s fine.” The doctor had done a once over and handed him a bottle of painkillers before sending him on his way. 

You groaned and ran a hand down your face. “I should probably go apologize for being such an ass to him,” you realized. You had hid your fear behind anger. He had been in pain and he had only been trying to protect you so it hadn’t been fair of you to be so hard on him. “Do I look like I’ve been crying?” 

He shook his head before placing a kiss on your forehead. “Don’t forget pants though,” he chuckled and pulled some athletic shorts out for you to slip on before you walked around the tower half naked. 

“Thanks, Steve,” you smiled and left after giving him a hug. He was a good guy - the best - and it was nice knowing that he would always have your back. 

You knocked on Bucky’s door and moved inside since you still hadn’t learned to wait to be welcomed in. He was on his bed, propped up and watching some boring documentary on his TV that he shut off as you walked in. He winced but sat up straighter. “Are you okay? Have you been crying?” he asked and furrowed his brow.

Damn that liar. He sent you here looking like this on purpose so you’d have to talk about it. You spent all of this time thinking that Natasha would be the meddler in your relationship but it was Steve you should’ve been looking out for this whole time. 

You sat on the edge of his bed and refused to answer his question. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for being so angry,” you apologized bashfully. It was never fun to admit that you were in the wrong but it was better to clear the air before letting things stew. 

“It’s okay, Sugar.”

“No,” you interjected firmly and your lower lip began to tremble. “I shouldn’t have been so hard on you when you were hurt. I was just scared that you were going to die.” You leaned over and buried your face in your hands to hide your sobs because there was no stopping this second round of tears.

Bucky inched over to you and rubbed your back. “I’m okay,” he promised you as he tucked your hair back and moved your hands from your face. “If anything, you should know how hard I am to kill.” The joke fell flat and you just kept crying. 

“It’s not funny, Bucky. The day I learned you had fallen from that train was the worst day of my life and I’ve lived so many days,” you explained through the tears. You put a hand on your chest as you inhaled deeply to catch your breath. “I could’ve lost you again. I can’t bear it. I can’t even. . . if you die there’s nowhere for me to go!” You had to live forever without him should something happen. 

Bucky pulled you in close and rubbed your arm. “I survived a fall from a train and brainwashing from Hydra and I learned it was just so I could get back to you. I have a reason to live so I’m not going to let anything happen to me,” he whispered to you quietly. 

You looked up at him and read his face. Of course what he said was true. You pressed in and kissed him. He kissed you back without second thought. It only took him getting shot for you to realize that you needed him. You got a second glimpse at a life without him and it had been bleak. No more being afraid of being in love with him because that was worse, you had learned, than risking it all for just a taste of it. 

He pushed through the ache in his side because your lips were the only medicine he needed to feel alright. You kissed him until your lips were swollen and raw. A girlish laugh tickled your throat. You hadn’t felt this young and alive and happy in decades. “I. . . uh. . . you need rest so you can heal. I know I won’t be able to sleep so I’m just going to go make bread or something. You just. . . you get better okay?” you rambled on and tugged at the ends of your hair. 

Bucky chuckled and pulled the blankets up around him. He would normally argue but he really felt exhausted. “Save me a slice,” he said as you backed out through the door. You’d save him the whole damn loaf. For the first time in eighty years, you finally had someone else to live for and when given the curse of immortality, there was nothing more a person could ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What goes up, must come down. Stay tuned


	13. Your Hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You go on a mission with Bucky that goes sideways and he has to make a call that just might cost him his relationship with you.

“Oh Buck, just give him your wallet,” you whimpered and cowered behind your boyfriend. As much as you had never liked taking alleyway shortcuts to get home, you never expected to get mugged. It was usually just dirty and creepy! 

Bucky shook his head. “Just stay behind me, Sugar,” he instructed you and rolled his sleeves up past his elbow. Luckily, the idiot who thought he could steal Buck’s wallet and your mother’s necklace that you had on was mistaken. Bucky had been boxing at the YMCA for years and it didn’t take much for him to kick the mugger’s ass and send him running. 

You threw your arms around his shoulders. “Oh Bucky,” you exclaimed and buried your face in his neck. That had been one of the scariest things to ever happen to you! Had you been alone then who knew what might’ve happened! “You’re my hero.” 

He chuckled modestly and gave you a reassuring squeeze. “No matter what, I will never let anything happen to you,” he promised. No matter the cost or consequence, he would do whatever needed to be done to keep you safe. 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

You tried to keep your relationship with Bucky on the down low. The last thing either of you wanted was to deal with the nonstop teasing which always accompanied any sort of flirtations shared amongst team members. So you’d keep it simple for now. Sure, you had history with him but you wanted to take it slow so that it could properly bloom back into place; the two of you had been in a good spot all of those years ago and you just wanted to get back to that position. 

Bucky had healed up nicely but now it was time to head back out. The team was stretched pretty thin at the moment; the information you had taken from Hydra had revealed a lot of locations and individuals that needed to be dealt with immediately. So you were sent to infiltrate with no one else but Bucky. 

The base you had to get into was in Siberia so you bundled up before hopping in a helicopter with your new old boyfriend. You’d glance over at him sometimes just to catch him staring. He’d smile and you’d blush. It was nice to feel young and infatuated again. 

“What did we learn from last time?” you asked Bucky before stepping out of the helicopter. 

He chuckled and kissed your forehead. “I’m more likely to die from you killing me than the bullet I’d take for you.” He was teasing and you laughed but it was true. If he pulled a stunt like that again, you’d kick his ass to the moon and back. 

“Good. Now let’s go kick some Hydra ass,” you smirked and the two of you moved into the base. It seemed relatively empty and there was a lot of ground so the two of you decided to split up to save some time. You had an earpiece in so it’s not like you were completely disconnected from him anyway. 

Since you were trying to remain as stealthy as possible, it made sense that there were spells of complete silence. But after awhile, it seemed like too much time had passed since there had been any communication between the two of you. “(Y/N), you okay?” Bucky asked quietly. There was no reply in the headset. “(Y/N)?” he called out with more urgency.

“Looking for this?” a Russian voice asked from a monitor that flickered on in the corner of the room. It was a live feed streaming from a security camera that was somewhere deep inside the facility. The image showed you strapped down to a chair with a stake through your neck, causing you to twitch and spasm. Not only that, but you were bleeding from a stab wound to your gut. Of course, you wouldn’t die but it was insanely painful.

Bucky growled and curled his hands into fists. “Where is she?” his voice was level and deep. The moment he found you, he wouldn’t just kill those hurting you but he would make them suffer. 

“Come and get her,” the voice chuckled darkly. You attempted to shake your head but the motion was lost amongst the twitching. The screen shut off and Bucky went running through the facility. Doors automatically slid open and lights flickered on, leading him straight into what he knew was a trap. It didn’t matter; he couldn’t think clearly when you were on the line. 

Every time they sent out soldiers to try and capture the Winter Soldier, he just shot them to pieces. He had plenty of ammo so he wasn’t worried about wasting any on making sure that everyone that came his way was absolutely dead. He made his way into a room that was separated into halves by a sheet of bulletproof glass. 

He fired at the glass anyway. You were strapped down on the other side with the spike still in your neck. Every time it looked as if you were going to finally pass out, the man in the room with you would flick a switch that electrocuted you, keeping you awake and lucid. “Give her to me,” Bucky demanded, his flaring nostrils the only indication of his anger. He was well past the point of showing any sort of emotion, his pure rage making him unable to even scream. 

“I would have suggested a trade initially but I think she has far more to offer than you do,” the man noted. Having the Winter Soldier back in theri control was invaluable, sure. But the secret to invincibility was worth so much more. 

“Buck-” you called out weakly before coughing up blood. You didn’t have the strength to tell him to go. That this was a trap. You’d survive this but he needed to get out of here. Instead, your calling out to him only made him more determined to get to you. 

Bucky began to pound on the glass with his prosthetic arm. The man chuckled at first until he heard the glass start to splinter. It was slow at first but Bucky was going to make his way through. “Okay, okay!” the man shouted and moved behind you. He pulled a gun out and pressed it to the side of your head. 

“You can either lay down with your hands on your head or I will blow straight through her brain!” The man yelled with the hopes that at least a bullet to your head would kill you. It wouldn’t. Bucky knew it wouldn’t. What he did know was that it would seriously hurt you and he wouldn’t be able to get you the medical help you would need in time for it not to be insanely painful. He also knew something about it that you didn’t. 

{{{ “You’ve got to tell me everything, Steve,” Bucky asked while he did some stretches to make sure he was healed well enough that any sort of flexibility wouldn’t open his wound back up. “I can’t have another repeat of Hawaii or (Y/N) will kill me. I need to know her limits since she won’t tell me.”

Steve sighed. “She’s pretty much invincible. As far as we know, the only way she can actually die is if her head is separated from her body. So as long no one is cutting her head off, she’s going to survive just about everything else.” Of course, that meant you couldn’t hold a land mine or jump into lava either. As long as your head was still on your neck (and there was a neck for it to be attached to) then you could regenerate. 

Bucky nodded. “That’s helpful. Thanks. Is there anything else I should keep an eye out for?”

Steve shook his head and then stopped when one more thing dawned on him. “I’m sure she told you about the time she just about blew her brains out. Her recovery from that was really hard. I don’t think she realized that she went comatose for two weeks. That and. . . I also don’t think she fully realizes that it took away part of her memory. It’s short term but she lost large fragments going back about two months. So I’d try and keep her from doing that again.”

Bucky figured that would go without saying. Even if you couldn’t really die, he hated seeing you get hurt. But he would work hard on keeping you fully intact so that he could spare you as much pain as possible. }}}

Bucky wanted to spare you the excruciating pain but he was also being selfish. The two of you had only just gotten back together two weeks ago. He was so afraid of losing you after just getting you back. He shouldn’t be selfish but he couldn’t lose you like that again. He couldn’t have you forget. 

So he laid on the ground as four men came rushing in to restrain him. You cried and screamed out. “Run!” you managed before coughing out more blood and being electrocuted again. He winced and turned his head away because he couldn’t bear to see you get hurt. But when he looked back at you, you were looking at him with such pain and desperation that he just couldn’t handle it any longer. It made sense that it would be just as hard for you to see him get hurt as it would be for him to watch you. 

Bucky might’ve allowed himself to be taken had he not heard the man speak into an intercom through the glass. “I have the girl. Start up the machines.” Bucky growled low in his throat. He was more than aware of the tortures Hydra was capable of. He had two options here: he could allow himself to be taken and you could be tortured as they tried to steal your immortality or he could risk losing your love again while he broke in to save you. 

Before the men could lay their hands on him, he snatched his gun from the ground and killed them all. The man on your side of the glass growled. “I suppose you want to be a part of my little experiment then,” he stated plainly as Bucky worked on getting through the glass again. 

He was so close to breaking through when there was the sound of a gun popping. Your head fell forward and blood dripped onto your lap. Bucky cursed loudly and, with one more punch, broke through as glass shattered to the floor. With one simple pop to the head, he instantly killed the man who was attempting to flee. 

Bucky knelt down beside you and freed you from your restraints before gingerly scooping you up. For a moment he wondered if he made the right choice. You were about to experience a lot of pain and wake up missing a chunk of your memories. Then he remembered that that still sounded better than what they would’ve done to you. They would’ve pulled you apart piece by piece and bit by bit until he found a way to save you. . . or until you were no longer a concern to him because they had reprogrammed him back into the Winter Soldier. There was no winning solution but he felt as if he had made the right choice. 

He barely got you back to the helicopter before you grew too hot for him to touch. Somehow he managed to get you back to New York before you started spewing fire. Steve had returned from his mission by this point and so had Tony. Tony slipped into his suit since he could carry you without burning himself that way. 

“What the hell happened?” he asked and rushed you inside. 

Bucky was riddled with guilt and anger and sadness. “She got nabbed. It was either risk her getting shot or allow her to be tortured. This seemed like the merciful choice,” he explained through a strained voice. 

“It’s going to be a really long few nights for her,” Steve sighed sadly. Everyone made sure you were properly hooked up to an IV drip that would keep you just a little hydrated. Several gallons of water were rolled in and Bucky refused to leave your side, even if he had to wait weeks he would be here when you woke up. 

As bad as the first night was, the second was somehow worse. If you were looking to break your record for how many times you would breathe fire or wake up screaming from the vivid nightmares, you certainly did so now. After three long days and nights where you slipped in and out of consciousness, crying and screaming during those moments where you were awake, you finally slipped away into unconsciousness and found rest for three weeks. 

“What are you going to tell her when she wakes up? If she doesn’t remember?” Sam asked Bucky. The team would all come in every once and awhile to check up on not only you but Bucky, too. 

“Well, what did she remember the last time it happened? Steve said not much but she told me that she remembered shooting herself to keep her cover from being blown,” Bucky asked him. 

Sam clenched his jaw and suddenly looked very uncomfortable. “Look, man, I wasn’t here for that. I only heard about it. If you want to know what happened then you-”

“I can tell you,” Natasha said from the doorway. Sam motioned for her to take over because he didn’t want to be the one gossiping about something he had only really heard of through whispers. She moved into the room and sat beside Sam. 

“We. . . we helped her remember what she did,” Natasha answered carefully, her inflection was too heavy on the word “helped” to make Bucky comfortable with the implications. “After jogging her memory, she was able to build up some pieces to make sense of what happened. She knows that she lost some pieces. . . we just didn’t tell her all that she was missing. It seemed better that way.”

Bucky didn’t necessarily like that but he could almost understand it. While he felt like it was important for him to know all of the heinous things he had done as the Winter Soldier, if he had been presented the opportunity to not remember then it would save him a lot of stress and relieve him of the nightmares that plagued his sleep. Was it right to keep someone from their own memories even if it was for their own good?”

He sighed and squeezed your hand. “What really happened to her?” he asked. Bucky was no fool and knew what Natasha had been insinuating. If he knew what really happened and then heard the lies they fed you, it would be easier for him to know what to tell you when you woke up. 

“Mostly the truth. She was the one that shot herself but it wasn’t to keep her cover,” Natasha answered slowly, her voice low. No one knew why you did it since you obviously didn’t even remember. Natasha’s theory was that you were just tired since living a hundred long years could take it out on a person. 

Bucky frowned and pulled your hand to his lips. Every time he learned something about your past, it just seemed to paint a larger picture of sorrow and grief. How deep were your wounds? 

“I don’t want to lie to her. I don’t have anything to hide from her,” Bucky said firmly. He didn’t need to protect you from an apparent and failed suicide attempt. What was wrong with telling you that a mission went sideways?

Natasha leaned forward and looked Bucky deep in the eyes. “Look, I’m not telling you to lie. I just want you to be prepared for her to wake up and not remember Hawaii. Whatever the two of you have, she won’t remember. It’s not her I’m worried about,” she said. She pushed herself out of her seat and pat Bucky on the shoulder before leaving the room. 

“Did you fuck (Y/N) in Hawaii?” Sam asked and raised his eyebrows. He felt so out of the loop since he figured you were still banging Steve. Bucky just sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Sam hung around for awhile longer but it grew late so he took off. 

You groaned gently and your eyes fluttered open soon after he left. Bucky greeted you with a warm smile. “Bucky?” you furrowed your eyebrows together. “What happened?” He took in a deep breath before exhaling slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this one was all over the place D: I'm just trying to set up the next chapter and it kind of got away from me


	14. How to Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky helps you remember everything you had forgotten after getting shot and losing a month's worth of memories. You don't take learning about your relationship very well.

Bucky squeezed your hand and kissed your fingers. “What do you remember?” he asked you. It would be easier for him to break any news to you if he knew how much you had forgotten in the first place. He didn’t want to keep anything from you but he also didn’t want to have to explain that the two of you were seeing each other again; it would make the relationship feel less organic. 

You sighed and closed your eyes because your head was still pounding like the entirety of Noah’s ark was trying to escape from the inside of your skull. “I remember feeling the bullet go in my head. Did I do that? I just remember getting ready to go to Hawaii and the rest. . .” As hard as you tried to reach for it, it was just out of reach. 

“No, the mission went sideways. Actually. . . both missions did,” Bucky answered carefully. You peeked your eye open. 

“Missions?”

“(Y/N), we’ve been back from Hawaii for weeks now. We got the intel we needed and then we went to Siberia where you were captured and shot,” he summarized just so you could take in the gist of what happened. When you were ready, he’d tell you everything else that happened in between.

You groaned and sat yourself up. “That doesn’t make any sense. You’re implying that I’m missing an entire month of memories,” you frowned. The last time you had been shot. . . well, some things were fuzzy but everyone helped fill in the pieces and it hadn’t been like this. “Tell me the rest. I just. . . I’ve just woken up so it’ll come back to me. Just help me remember.” 

So he did. In an irregular fashion, Bucky started at the end and then worked his way backwards. He explained that you had been taken hostage and that he had to make a hard choice of letting you get shot or allowing you to be tortured; he was relieved when you informed him that he had made the right choice. He skimmed over the weeks where you had been by his side as he recovered. Then he noted that you had gotten upset in Hawaii because he had taken a bullet for you.

You grew silent. It all made sense and an itch in the back of your head told you that he was telling the truth. Why couldn’t you remember any of it, then? Maybe it was for the best that you didn’t because him just mentioning that he got shot was enough to make your stomach churn. If you hadn’t been more or less comatose for the past few weeks then you would’ve lost your lunch over just the idea of him being hurt. Instead, your empty stomach curled in on itself and growled angrily. 

“There’s something else. . .” Bucky cleared his throat and fiddled his thumbs. “We hooked up in Hawaii. And we’ve been seeing each other since we got back. Tell me you remember something of that,” he pleaded. 

You burst into laughter and covered your mouth quickly. That had been very insensitive. “Bucky, are you being serious? You really had me through most of it but that doesn’t sound like me,” you smiled, almost nervously, as your fingers searched for the ring around your neck - it was akin to a worry stone for you. Mostly, it kept you grounded and served as a reminder as to why you’d never get back with Bucky. 

Bucky clenched his jaw and bounced his knees as he stared into his folded hands. “Am I the kind of person to lie about that?” he asked. If you thought that he was, then that would sting more than a thousand bees. He wouldn’t be able to recover from that. 

“Well, no,” your smile fell from your face. “But that doesn’t make sense. I’m sorry, Bucky. I thought I made it clear that I had moved on and that it was okay to be friends but nothing more.” You gripped onto the ring a little tighter to keep from floating away. 

“And things changed in that time. Sugar, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. You realized that hiding from potential pain wasn’t worth all you’d lose along the way,” his voice grew impassioned only because he was afraid that he was going to lose you so soon after getting you back. 

“I seriously thought that?” you frowned. He had to be taking things out of context!

“Yes!”

You turned your head away and chewed anxiously on the inside of your lip. This was a lot to take in after just waking up from one of the most painful experiences of your life. It would help if you just remembered but you didn’t. And while you believed him to be telling the truth, it still just didn’t sit right. 

“Well, I’m sorry to tell you I don’t remember saying that. I’ve made myself clear over and over again. I’m sorry that I don’t remember whatever it was that we might’ve had. I really am. But whatever that was. . . it’s gone now,” you informed him plainly. 

“So that’s it? You’re not going to believe me or even try?” Bucky frowned. He had accepted that you didn’t remember but he couldn’t accept you not giving a rat’s ass about it. “If we did it once, we can do it again.”

“I’m not in that headspace, Bucky!” you snapped. Your vision was blurry and your head throbbed but you had to make yourself perfectly clear. “You made damn sure of that,” you mumbled under your breath.

That was the tipping point. “Fuck!” he shouted and stood from his chair so quickly and with such force that his chair tipped backwards. It actually caused you to flinch. “I had to make a hard choice because you were stupid enough to get caught. Next time, I’ll let them torture you. How does that sound? Do you know what they would’ve done to you, by the way? I saved you from years of being literally picked and pulled apart. They would’ve tried to kill you in every possible way. And you know what? They might’ve actually succeeded at some point. So sure, next time I’ll make sure to keep your mind fully intact just so that it can get properly fucked up with trauma.” 

You were silent for a moment. He had never snapped at you like this before. It wasn’t dissimilar to the feeling that accompanied seeing your father cry for the first time or even seeing someone die for the first time. It felt as if some mask had fallen off and there was no going back from this moment now. 

Pieces of a puzzle you were unaware of fell into place. “You said you had to make a hard decision but me getting shot shouldn’t have posed a real risk unless you knew that I would lose a chunk of memory. How did you know that? What is everyone hiding from me?” you asked plainly. Even you hadn’t been fully aware that your memory would go, so how did he? 

Bucky ran his tongue over the front of his teeth. “What do you really remember from the first time you were shot?” he asked. 

You crossed your arms defensively over your chest. “I already told you what I remember. I shot myself to keep my cover,” you explained. 

“Do you remember that or is it what they told you happened?” Bucky asked. You opened your mouth to reply but it snapped shut when you realized that whatever image you had of keeping your cover had been painted by Natasha and Nick before being further perpetuated by everyone else. “You shot yourself, Sugar. It was all you in a hotel room in Brooklyn not far from that diner we used to go to.” 

You furrowed your brow and shook your head. “No. That’s. . . no. I would never do something like that,” you stated firmly. Whoever had told him that had been lying! You wiped a tear before it could roll down your cheek. Something in the back of your mind told you that that was true even if it felt like something you could never do. “When were you going to tell me this?”

“When the timing was right. I only just found out,” Bucky said, his voice growing much softer. He pulled his chair back by your side and attempted to take your hand but you only snatched it away. 

“How do I know you’re not hiding anything from me now then? If everyone lied to me before. . .” you asked and looked deep into his eyes. If he lied, you were sure you could see it hidden in the blue of his eyes. 

“I’m not hiding anything,” he promised. You believed him. “So you have to believe me when I say that we were together and we made it work.” 

You rolled your eyes and turned your head away. He wasn’t doing it on purpose but you were currently in a vulnerable position and it felt as if he was taking advantage of that. “I don’t know what to tell you. You knew what you were risking when you let me get shot. It’s like we’re back to square one,” you told him with a half-apologetic shrug. What part of this wasn’t he understanding?

Bucky frowned and turned his head away. You weren’t doing it on purpose either, but your language was very accusatory. “I did what I had to do,” he stated. He was angry and hurt still but he wasn’t going to allow this to ruin what he had fought for months to gain. 

“Funny. That’s what you said about leaving for the army and you didn’t come back from that for. . . God, eighty years,” you frowned and met his eyes. This is why you couldn’t believe it worked before. He fought the fight he thought he needed to and, while he did do good, he put himself on the line even if it meant leaving you alone. He had done it once and he’d do it a thousand times. He’d die before letting anything truly bad happen to you but he didn’t understand that him dying WAS the worst thing to happen to you. 

“You going to hold that against me forever?” he asked with disdain. He did not regret joining the army. He didn’t regret aiding in the takedown of Hydra. It was just unfortunate that he didn’t get to come home and it broke his heart that it had caused you so much strife. But he needed you to move on, especially since he hadn’t really died and he was here with you now. 

“Well, you haven’t given me much of a choice,” you grimaced. You had to live forever and it would be impossible to forget why that burden had been placed on your shoulders. The love of your life had left and never came home. So, yes, you’d spend eternity remembering the pain it had caused you. 

“I know it hurt you when you learned what happened to me. But do you know what most women would’ve done? They would’ve grieved and moved on to live their lives. You’re the one that decided to become a junkie and you’re the one that put yourself in a situation that allowed you to be used as a drug mule for some ancient, dragon elixir. That’s on you and not me!” He yelled. He had been bearing the guilt of leaving you alone for so long but enough was enough. He hadn’t fallen from that train on purpose and the last thing he ever wanted was to leave you alone. But it wasn’t his fault you handled it so poorly. 

“Get out,” you whispered before your voice grew into a screech. “Get out!” He kicked the chair out of his way as he stormed out of the room. He wasn’t even halfway down the hall when the guilt kicked in. But for the first time, he didn’t allow it to take over. He was hurt and he was angry. Time and again, he fought for you and for your love but it was never going to work. He saw that now. You won. 

He had been right. It was your fault. How many opportunities had you passed by because you allowed yourself to be consumed by grief? Had you remained sober and clean then you would’ve had a chance to live a full, happy, normal life. But you had come to terms with the fact that you had blown that chance. It was wrong of you to blame him when you knew full well it was your fault. But for him to look at you with such disgust because of a secret you had been reluctant to tell him in the first place. . . it broke your heart. You knew that one day he would hate you for the poor decisions you had continually made for nearly thirty years. 

You choked back tears after he left and you yanked the IV needles from your arm before stumbling from the bed. You collapsed onto your hands and knees where you stayed and cried until the sadness turned into anger which then turned into quiet resolution. 

After pulling on pants, you moved through the halls of the Avengers Tower. Thankfully it was late at night so you didn’t have to worry about bumping into anyone. You stumbled to his room and opened the door. He still wore a dark expression on his face that hardly lightened as you entered the room. That was enough to assure you that you were making the right decision. 

“I told you that we wouldn’t work,” you whispered and sat your chain with the ring on the end of it on his dresser before stepping out. “I’m sorry it just ended like this.” If only he had just walked away when you told him the first time. Or better yet, if you hadn’t been foolish enough to fall back into his arms in the first place. 

Whatever mistakes had led you back into his arms a month ago would not be repeated now. How long had you been saying that the two of you had changed? You had changed years ago into a person who couldn’t deal with problems and had become afraid of love. And because of your change, it had forced Bucky to change just now into someone who could accept being without you - a person he never expected he could become.


	15. Hot Chocolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are tense between you and Bucky - and he's definitely having a hard time with it. Yet, you still feel bad when you learn he's been having bad nightmares.

“What’s all this for, Sugar?” Bucky asked and leaned against his doorway. It wasn’t often that you came knocking on his door solely because he was usually rushing over to pick you up first. The two of you had a date planned but not for another hour. He invited you inside and you moved to the kitchen. 

“Well, I remember you saying that you hadn’t been sleeping well lately because of some bad dreams. So I thought I would make something to remedy that,” you smiled gently and unpacked the basket you had carried over. To make sure that he used everything properly, you went over each item. 

“So, here are some cookies that I made with lavender because, if I remember correctly, my grandmother once told me that lavender helps a mind find ease for sleep.”

“Here is a book and a candle. The candle is to give you just enough light to keep those monsters away and the book is to help keep your mind at ease until you’re ready to fall asleep. It’s one of my favorites, Gone With the Wind.”

“And this is my special recipe of hot chocolate. Warm it up on the stove while you eat your cookies and you can drink it while you read before bed. The warmth should help you fall asleep,” you finished explaining with a giddy smile. 

Bucky wrapped his arms around you and kissed your temple. What had he done to deserve you? “Your special recipe?” he chuckled. Wasn’t it just chocolate and milk.

You nodded and pulled out of his arms to finish unpacking. “There’s a little touch of magic in it.” You winked and screamed as he pulled you back in with a playful growl. 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

You weren’t mad anymore. There was no reason to be mad in the first place since he had been mostly right. But you still kept your distance from Bucky to keep things from getting awkward. Besides, it was clear that he didn’t want to see you after you had returned the ring. Nothing had cut him deeper than that quiet and simple action. For all you knew, he could’ve chucked the ring from a balcony and deep into the city; it was something you should’ve done ages ago yourself in order to allow yourself to finally move on. 

For the first time ever, you did feel like you have moved on. No longer were you chained to a fear of loss. You felt free. If only you didn’t feel so lonely in this freedom. 

“Can I join?” Bucky asked you one day, his voice making you flinch since you hadn’t heard it in three days (and even then it had been across the room, low and quiet as he spoke to Steve while you baked). 

You spit out your mouthguard and sat on the edge of the boxing ring to get a drink. “Seriously?” you asked. He had been avoiding you more than you had been avoiding him so this was the last thing you had been expecting. 

“What? Are we not even allowed to be teammates anymore?” he disdainfully asked. Not that it came to any surprise to you, but it appeared that you were definitely well past being friends now. That was a shame. The two of you would always have a history. But such is life, you supposed. 

“Yeah, let me just get my better gloves on,” you welcomed him into the ring. 

He shook his head and pulled his shirt off over his head. “No. Barefisted. Let’s get some real training in,” he said. While you felt like this was just some excuse he was making up so that he could really beat the shit out of you, you tossed your gloves aside anyway. You could give it as well as you could take it and you were pretty good at taking it. 

Bucky slid his foot across the mat and fixed how your toes were pointed. Maybe you were wrong and he just wanted to actually help you train. But as your head was down so you could look at your fixed stance, he punched you in the nose. “You know what your problem is. Since you think you can’t die, you don’t fight as well as you should.”

“Fuck!” you grabbed your nose and pulled your fingers away to see the blood. He knew it hurt for you to heal and he wasn’t playing fair! Fine. Game on. Even if he was right and you could be reckless when in a fight, he could’ve given you a warning since this was supposed to be for practice and not the real thing. 

You curled your fingers into tight fists and threw a punch. While this was your first time sparring with him after your little Siberia incident, it wasn’t the first time you had sparred with him in general so the two of you knew what to expect from each other. Well, more or less it seemed. He really wasn’t pulling back on his punches. 

Eventually you ended up on your back with his knee in your chest. You tried tapping out and, when that didn’t work, you yelled. “Damn, Bucky! You win!” He moved off of you and turned his head to the side to spit out a mouthful of blood. You had knocked him good once or twice but he had been relentless. You were covered in bruises, two of your fingers were broken, and a nice steady stream of blood was still flowing from your nose. 

“You want to make sure you never get into a situation like Siberia again? Learn to fight better,” he said nonchalantly and rolled out of the ring. Why was he still so bitter and petty? This wasn’t like him! Did you really hurt him that bad?

“Oh, fuck you,” you frowned and moved out of the ring and grabbed a rag for your nose. “You just wanted to beat the shit out of me because you’re mad I gave your ring back.” You took a seat and began to down water as if you had never had a drop of it before. 

He stormed back over and stood towering in front of you. For a split moment, you thought he might pick you up by your arms and pin you against the wall so he could fuck you. Was it bad that you wanted that? Instead he just frowned as if he was disappointed. “You wanted me to change didn’t you? You made me this way,” he said plainly before leaving. That blow hurt more than the several hits to your face. Throwing your own words back at you. He really was a new person. 

You went to the medical bay where you put a brace over your severely swollen nose; it would help make sure it healed in the correct angle and you’d even be able to take it off in the morning. And then you went where you always did when you were upset - to the kitchen. The team had been treated to a lot more desserts than usual lately. Pancakes, waffles, or crepes every morning. Sweet breads and tarts for lunch. Cakes, brownies, and cookies for after dinner. It wasn’t healthy for anyone even if it was great for their taste buds. 

After baking a two-tier chocolate cake with homemade whipped icing, prepping some dough that would need to rise overnight, and decorating the sugar cookies you had made earlier, you decided it was time to call it a night since the sun was bound to rise very soon. 

On your way to your room, you passed by Bucky’s room where you heard some grunts. At first you thought nothing of it because he was either just working out or pleasuring himself. But just as you made it to your room, a faint scream vibrated through his door and all of the way down the hall. You stood there with your hand on the doorknob for quite some time. He wasn’t your concern. The two of you were hardly even friends anymore and he had just beat the shit out of you today. His nightmares weren’t your concern.

Yet you found yourself moving to the kitchen and warming up some hot chocolate and standing outside his room anyway. You told yourself that you were just waiting to hear him stir because, if he had managed to fall back asleep, you didn’t want to wake him. In reality, you were just nervous to enter. Over and over you told yourself that you not only had no obligation to go in there but that he likely didn’t even want to see you. 

But when he screamed again, you let yourself in without knocking. He was sitting up in bed, his sweat-soaked shirt clinging to his body. His eyes looked wild and his hair was disheveled. It took him a moment to even register that you were really here in his room. He ran his hand down his face and sighed. “What are you doing here?” he asked quietly but without the usual ice that seemed to accompany it anymore. 

“I made you hot chocolate,” you whispered and sat the mug on the end table. 

He stared at it silently for a moment and grabbed it after you stepped back. Just one sip and he was back in bed in 1940, worried sick about another restless night but at least his stomach was full from your cookies and hot chocolate. “What was it you always said you put in your hot chocolate?” he asked, the term just on the tip of his tongue. 

You chuckled, almost sadly. “A touch of magic,” you reminded him. He chuckled, too, and took another sip. He closed his eyes and felt the heat move through his body. It did feel like there was a little bit of magic in it. 

“Why?” 

“Why what?” You asked and he just gave you a look. So you crossed your hands behind your back and allowed yourself to face the truth. “I know what it’s like to have nightmares. And I know how terribly lonely it is to wake up from them and have no one to turn to.”

“You have Steve,” Bucky frowned, thinking back to his first night here.

You grimaced and shook your head. “You know full well that Steve and I haven’t been a thing since basically Christmas,” you corrected him. And that felt like ages ago now. You could always go to Steve but it just. . . it felt different now because of Bucky. “Listen, I can go. I just know how it is to have nightmares and I know that I screwed up whatever it was we might’ve had but that doesn’t mean I enjoy hearing your screams.”

He looked down into his mug. He had been unfair to you lately, too. After being shot down so many times, he ended up putting up so many walls that he sort of lost sight of who he was. He took a sip of your magic hot chocolate again and hummed gently. “No, (Y/N). Actually. . . it would be nice if you stayed. At least for a little bit,” he asked meekly. 

“Yeah, I can do that,” you smiled gently. It was nice to feel needed again. And besides, it’s not like you’d find sleep if you went back to your room anyway. You’d been plagued with nightmares lately too. Since there wasn’t anywhere else for you to sit, you took a seat on the bed but made sure to keep a respectful distance from him. 

You leaned against the headboard and crossed your feet at the ankles. “Just. . . try and get some sleep. I can make cinnamon rolls in the morning when you wake up,” you smiled. Now that you were sat and it was silent, it felt awkward and inorganic. 

Bucky opened the drawer of his nightstand and pulled out a book. “Might be too much to ask but. . . you were right about this being a good book,” he chuckled. Gone With the Wind. You hadn’t read this book since before he left for the war. You laughed gently remembering how he never got past the first page because he’d always fall asleep when trying to read it. 

“So you’ve finally read it?” you smiled and flipped through the pages. It was an old copy and had that homey, damp smell that used and well-loved books always had. 

“Well, I mean. . . just a little bit,” he confessed. Every time he tried to read it, even now, he ended up falling asleep after just a couple pages. Some things really don’t change. 

So you cleared your throat and began to read as he finished his drink and sat the mug down. “Scarlett O’Hara was not beautiful…” you began after flipping on a lamp. Bucky listened to your honey voice and his eyes began to flutter shut not long after you got to the fifth page - five pages! That was his record. His head slumped over and eventually he was asleep. 

You closed the book and looked over at him with a sad smile. You tucked him in the best you could considering he fell asleep sitting up, leaned against the headboard so he could listen to you. After shutting off the lamp, you attempted to sneak out. “(Y/N)?” You froze and turned around slowly. So much for not waking him. “Stay.” It wasn’t a command or even a question. Just the request of a man who was afraid to dream. 

So you moved into the bed and laid your head on an unfamiliar pillow. Bucky settled into his spot and swiftly drifted back to sleep. Just as you, yourself, were about to drift away, you heard him breathing grow rapid and his hand stretched over, the metal feeling cool around your neck as his fingers tightened on your throat. 

Thankfully you couldn’t be suffocated to death or you would’ve been panicking. Still, you had to act quickly before he knocked you unconscious. So you managed to roll in closer to his body. Your fingers brushed through his hair and you hummed a lullaby that your mother had sung to you when you were small - and surely his mother had done the same. It was enough to relax his arm. 

In fact, he was relaxed enough to stop his moaning and thrashing. The nightmares seemed to have stopped completely. So you pulled his head against your chest and continued to hum and play with his hair. Instinctually, his arms moved around you and wrapped around your body. You felt so safe and warm. Your voice grew quieter and quieter until you had fallen asleep with your cheek pressed against the top of his head. Not only did he finish the night without another nightmare, but so had you.


	16. Sweet as Sugar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrapping this baby up with some fluff and a lot of shameless smut

You stared out the window and watched a few young boys playfully chasing after girls holding their dolls. The voice of your date was nothing more than an incessant drone buzzing in your ear. “Sorry, could you repeat that?” you asked when you realized that he had asked you a question. 

“Who’s your favorite ball player, Sweetheart?” he asked. So that’s what he must’ve been going on and on about - baseball. You pressed the paper straw to your lips and took a sip of your strawberry milkshake. 

“Oh- it’s… um… actually, I’m sorry would you mind putting a nickel in the jukebox. I swear, those little boys must’ve put on the same song three times now!” Your date shook his head at you like you were just a silly girl with silly whims but moved over to the jukebox and put on a new song. 

As he was standing over the machine and finding a tune that he would enjoy, you turned your attention back outside. And then your lap was soaking wet and cold. A young man had been trying to squeeze by your table when he bumped against it a little too hard which caused your milkshake to tip over onto your lap.

You gasped and stood from the booth. His heavenly deep eyes were wide in both fear and embarrassment. “Oh geez. I’m so sorry! Here let me help you!” He grabbed a handful of napkins that he used to dab at your stained skirt. A blush rose on your cheeks as he kept touching you. 

“God, I’m sorry. I’ll pay to replace it,” he scratched the back of his head. Boy, he sure was handsome. And charming even if the only words you had heard him speak were apologies. 

You only shook your head. “It should come out with some soap and a good wash,” you assured him. You felt your heart flutter in your chest. In that moment, you had even completely forgotten that you were there on a date. 

He pursed his lips before smiling. “Well, at least let me make it up to you by buying you a new milkshake,” he offered. You turned your head to your date and then back at him. 

“Can I take a raincheck on that? Perhaps. . . if I’m not being too forward. . .” you tripped over the words. 

His smile grew a little crooked. “I’m sorry. Let me introduce myself. I’m James but my friends just call me Bucky. What did you say your name was, Miss?” he asked.

“(Y/N) (Y/L/N).”

“Well, Miss (Y/L/N). You’re sweet as sugar and I would like to ask you on a date tomorrow night,” Bucky asked and took your hand to give it a polite kiss. If you hadn’t been blushing before then you certainly were now. 

“I would quite enjoy that.” And you knew, right there in that moment, even in your soiled skirt, that this was going to be the beginning of the rest of your life. 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

When you woke to an empty bed yet again, your heart sank. In that very moment, you realized just how alone you were without Bucky and how much he felt like home. But if he wasn’t going to be there when you woke up, again and again, then you wouldn’t be able to handle it. You couldn’t live through that feeling of desertion again. 

“Oh, sorry. I tried not to wake you,” Bucky said from the doorway to the bathroom. Behind him there was the sound of the toilet refilling with water. “Probably shouldn’t have drank so much of that hot chocolate before bed.” 

Before he could even get to the bed to curl back up beside, your feet were on the floor and your arms around his neck. You were such an idiot. He’d never leave you again! If you had only slept a moment longer then you would’ve seen that! You pressed your lips to his and he pulled his head back in surprise. 

“What is that for?” he asked. Up until last night, the two of you had hardly even spoken. And, unless he was remembering incorrectly, nothing romantic or intimate had happened last night that could’ve stirred up your hormones. 

“I’ve just been so wrong. About everything. And I don’t want to try and be without you again,” you whispered against his lips, your forehead pressing up against his. 

Bucky pursed his lips and sighed. “I can’t keep going back and forth with you. What if something happens and you forget again? My heart can’t take that.” It was hard for him coming to join the team and seeing how you had moved on. It had been even harder to begin something with you again just to lose it immediately after. He wouldn’t survive a third time. 

“Well, you’ll just have to make me remember,” you whispered and ran your fingers through his long hair. “But I promise you, this isn’t something that I want to forget. Not again.” You had fallen for him a second time before, and now you knew why. He was comfortable, familiar, and home. You had known this from the moment you met him and, even if you fought it for so long, he was your forever. He always had been. 

Bucky just smiled and pressed his lips against yours once more. You tucked your fingers into the hem of his pants and pulled him back onto the bed and over top of you. His tongue moved past yours into your mouth. His lips still had the faint taste of the hot chocolate you made last night; they tasted like magic. 

He ran a hand through your hair and lifted your body up ever so slightly so that you were pressed further against him. Your hands moved over his chest, your fingers curiously tracing the skin where his metal arm met his shoulder. He pulled his lips away from yours and looked at your hand. “Hey,” you spoke gently, “I think it’s kind of sexy. You don’t have to even think about it.” He was clearly self conscious about his arm but he didn’t need to be. 

You flipped him over and straddled his waist before pressing your lips back to his. Your fingers moved down his arm, feeling every ridge in the metal, before tangling with his fingers. His free hand moved over your body before settling on your waist. 

He kissed you until your lips grew tingly. You moved your kisses to his strong jawline and down his neck. Your lips trailed over his chest and down his stomach. Through his pants, you could feel him twitch with anticipation. Slowly, you gripped the fabric of his pants and pulled them down past his ankles. 

While you knew that you had been with him once before, you didn’t remember. While he had the benefit of that memory, you had the benefit of remembering your “first” time with him as something more sensual and romantic instead of just one impassioned fling. 

Your tongue rolled up over his stiffening member before your lips curled around his head. “Fuck,” he whispered and tangled his fingers in your hair just as you took him in your mouth. You felt each vein as you took in as much of his size as was comfortable. His breathing grew heavy and his grip tightened in your hair. So you figured it was as good a time as any to take him in his entirety. 

He tickled the back of your throat. You gagged and came up for air. Bucky smirked down at you, watching as you wiped the drool from your lower lip before going in for another taste. He twitched inside your mouth, brushing against your uvula; again, you came up for air. 

Instead of continuing, which would surely cause him to finish before you even got to begin, you moved back over top of him. He caught your lower lip with his thumb and wiped away the spit still there. You blushed but then began to pull yourself out of your clothes. His hand moved from your lip to your now-exposed breasts. 

He pinched your nipples which caused you to bite your tongue. His gaze moved down to your panties. You attempted to pull them down yourself but he only swatted your hands away and allowed himself the pleasure of fully undressing you. 

You bit your lower lip as he tossed your panties aside. You ran your hands up and down his chest as he gripped your ass. You held onto his stiff cock and angled it inside of you. A moan passed through your lips as you sank down on top of him. You leaned over and pressed a sloppy kiss to his lips as you began to rock your hips on top of his. 

His breathing was heavy and deep, setting a beat to your quick, short moans. He rocked up against your body, adding the sound of skin against skin to your song. To get a better angle inside of you, he flipped your body around so that you were on your back. 

He lifted your legs onto his shoulders, your knees hooking over him just as he pressed inside your core. His thumb moved over your clit and he rubbed slow circles - just enough to warm your engine without allowing you to take off because he wasn’t quite done with you yet. His eyes settled on your heaving chest as he quickened his pace and deepened his stroke. 

You arched your back and moaned heavily. Your hands moved from his to the sheets so that you wouldn’t scratch him to hell. Your walls stretched as you took every inch of him and the ache was pleasant and welcome. 

Your climax was on the horizon but his was just an arm’s reach away. “Don’t finish inside,” you managed through a breathy whisper. He had just enough time to pull out of you and yank you down so that he could fill your open mouth with his seed. You took every drop and licked your lips when he was finished. 

He growled excitedly and kissed your neck. “You’re so fucking sexy,” he whispered in your ear. His hands moved down your sides and his kisses followed. His lips took a pitstop at your breasts, his tongue curling around one nipple before moving over so his teeth could nip at the other. It was your turn for your fingers to tangle in his hair. 

Eventually, his lips continued back on their path to your center. He bent your knees up and spread your legs as far as they would go. His fingers traced up your center and he chuckled darkly, taking note of how dripping wet you were. A shiver traveled up your spine. “Tease,” you groaned. He chuckled again. 

His thumb rested, light as a feather, against your sensitive clit. He used his free hand to part your folds so that his tongue had unobstructed access to your core. You melted into a puddle right there in the middle of the bed as you felt his warm tongue move inside you. Your toes curled and saw that climax reappear on the horizon. 

His fingers and tongue swapped positions so that his tongue could brush across your clit while he dipped two fingers as deep inside you as he could before curling them against your walls. Your legs began to tremble and you bit into your thumb to try and muffle all of the heated sounds escaping your throat. 

“There! Right there!” you squeaked excitedly. Your eyes rolled back into your head and you nearly arched right off of the bed. He kept your body in place as you writhed from the overdose in hormones shooting through your body from the explosive, fiery orgasm rocking your body. 

“Fuck,” you kept repeating through a lazy smile until you were silenced by his lips against yours once more. Even his gentle hands around your waist felt like lightning, every nerve in your body still alive. You shivered and laughed. You’d had sex plenty of times over the hundred years you had been alive but it had never been quite as good as that. 

He leaned against the headboard and pulled your back against his chest so that he could wrap his arms around you and press a kiss to your shoulder. You closed your eyes and melted into his warm embrace. “I love you, Sugar,” he whispered into your skin. 

“I’m sorry,” he added when he felt your body tense. “But I’ve never stopped loving you. And I’m afraid if I don’t say it now. . . I don’t know when I can say it again.” He regretted not saying it before you lost that chunk of your memory. Really, he regretted not telling you it every day since he had come back.

You turned around so that you were straddling him. He watched you curiously, nervously as you played with the ends of his hair. You had been in love since the moment you laid eyes on him. You buried that feeling behind fear and anger. But it had always been there. You had always loved him. “I love you, too, James. And I’m only sorry that it took me so long to tell you,” you whispered back and pressed your lips to his. He’d never have to worry about when he could say it again because you wouldn’t mind if it was the only thing he ever told you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this little story! I really enjoy writing BuckyxReader fics and I would be happy to take suggestions, too! :) Don't forget to leave a comment if you enjoy it! Thank y'all so much <3


	17. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a tiny blurb to wrap up one loose end that didn't fit into the final chapter

Bucky had his arms wrapped around you as the two of you looked out over the city. The two of you were bundled up to fight the cold. Christmas music leaked from inside where everyone else was partying and still fighting over who got each other for Secret Santa. 

“I got you something,” he smiled and pressed a kiss to your temple. 

“Oh? Well, you see, that’s cheating because you’re only supposed to get a present for one person and I know for sure that you’re not my Secret Santa,” you chuckled and turned around, though his arms still remained wrapped around you. 

You had gotten him as your Secret Santa which had been convenient since you were obviously going to get your boyfriend something for Christmas; now you didn’t have to get one for anyone else. And you knew for a fact that Sam was your Secret Santa because he regifted the dildo he had gotten last year. Everyone laughed and you blushed. But he was just still so certain that you had given it to him last year that he “gave it back to his gifter” - his words. 

“Well, I don’t have to give it to you,” Bucky shrugged.

You laughed and began to dig around in his pockets. “Oh, you know I’m kidding. I love presents.” You curled your fingers around a small box with an even smaller bow. You yanked it from his coat pocket and gave him a proud smirk to which he shook his head and chuckled. 

He kept his arms around you but you felt him tense as you tore off the paper and opened the box. Your eyes grew wide and you looked up at him just to make sure he was serious. “I thought you had gotten rid of this,” you whispered, though your voice cracked on every other word. 

In the box was the lamp ring you had returned to him months ago. Since you hadn’t seen it since, you figured he must’ve gotten rid of during that unbearable spell where neither of you were talking to each other. But he had held onto it and made it better. 

“Stark had to help me design it so if you don’t like it, I can get you something better,” he spoke quickly and nervously. 

You shook your head and slipped the ring over your finger. You had to hold it up to the light to better admire the sparkle of the diamond. The ring was mostly the same save for the large diamond and four prongs holding it in place. 

“Well, are you going to ask me or what?” you laughed, tears spilling over your cheeks. 

“You already put it on!” Bucky laughed, holding back his own tears. He almost looked as if he wanted you to hand it back so that he could properly propose but this ring was never coming off of your finger ever. 

He didn’t get on one knee either because he was afraid he’d be too shaky to get back up. “Will you marry me?” he asked and leaned his forehead against yours. 

“I’ve only waited eighty years for you to ask,” you smiled and kissed him. He scooped you up and spun you around. Everyone inside had gathered at the window and were cheering. Both of you blushed but nothing could wipe the smile off of your faces. 

“I love you, James.” 

“I love you, Sugar.”


End file.
